Where am I going

I'm still in limbo. Officially my ex and I are over but he keeps texting me and asking me to go for breakfast and such. He also asks me for advice on work and I go help him still.

With the new guy, things are still pretty sweet. We go for concerts, movies, meals, and he would sometimes come sleep over at my place.

I'm torn- I want a new life with the new guy but it's not serious yet. I want to break away from my ex but he still cares for me and I feel like we have too much invested to cut off completely. If only my new guy would commit, I would gladly cut off my ex, even though it's painful. But since he's not really committing to a future, i'm scared to let go of my past.

I'm in between two places and can't seem to move.


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Recap

Ok I think I need to plug the information gap. From being hung up over my ex who cheated on me, to where I am now which is my ex is begging me to come back to him and there's a new guy in the picture.

Well I went out a couple of times with the new guy. He was oh so sweet and loving and seemingly had no commitment issues whatsoever. He would say things that would melt a girls heart like he fantasizes about having me as his wife, he wants me forever, he's always planning our next and next next meetings together and he would be dying to spend time with me.

It was just so refreshing. And such a change from the dark blackness I was in at that time in June. If you recall, it was when my ex was ambivalent about us, and he wasn't sure whether we were meant to be together. And I slowly let the new guy into my heart and that was it really. I broke it off with my ex and although we were still living together, i was emotionally free.

Very quickly things with the neq guy got serious and I was seeing him everyday, and I even went away overnight, and even on a short holiday overseas. We had a fantastic time. All this while I didn't tell my ex what was happening. I also asked him to move back home.

It's been 3 wks since he moved out and I have mixed feelings. For one, the new guy after we came back from the major holiday, decided to end things with his wife. But, he felt so burned from the experience that he told me that he's not sure what future we would have. He basically was just not prepared to make any promises.

And on the other side, my ex was now repentant, apologetic, and begging me to get back with him. He had ended things with the girl or so he claimed and he realized he loved me. He was everything that I had wanted, 3months too late.

So now...I see the new guy maybe 3 times a week and it's sweet and all, but his lack of commitment and the no future comment kind of dialed down my passion for him a little.

With my ex, we talk daily on whatsapp but nothing that really changes things. I still care for him. I just don't know if I want a future with him.

So there you go - two guys, no future.


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Why so angry

I'm confused. The married guy is so sweet in person, so tender and loving. But when he gets angry and he tells me about stuff he's angry about on whatsapp, he really sounds harsh. Using words like 'fucking fools' or 'fucking idiot' etc. I'm not used to this kind of language.

But in real life when I'm with him, I don't think he says it in the harsh tone that I would imagine, over whatsapp. Or am I just making excuses?

He still hasn't called the divorce lawyer..he says he will call soon. I have a bad feeling that this will be a recurrent theme in our drama.

My ex is still upset and he wants to get back together. He also has other problems at work and he plays victim - he says his life is falling apart and everything is going wrong. I tell him to roll with it, and things will eventually get better.

I think my life is a mess. I wish I was one of those housewives who have 2 kids and a stable husband who works and comes home and on weekends we go out as a family even if a tad boring. I just really really want kids right now.

I'm watching the sex and the city dvds now and I realise that when I first started watching them I was 29 and now five years later, I'm the same age as the girls in the series. Growing older is depressing.

More confused than ever

I'm back. Things with my ex is still murky, and there's now another man in the picture - worse still, he's still married. Even though he is going to get a divorce, he has a daughter and I think that's not good.

But on the bright side, I'm no longer emotionally dependent on my ex and I feel that I can make a more objective decision...but the thing is, I'm now more emotionally attached to the married guy. And I don't think I can happily go back to my ex now, since my feelings are no longer there.

The married guy is great...when I get to see him. He's sweet, dedicated, sensitive, great in bed, and we're old classmates from school so we're familiar and comfortable with each other. But, he's still most concerned about his daughter's wellbeing, which I perfectly understand.

I wish my life was different.

My own feelings

I feel that I'm changing- I may not q so strongly about him after all. I think I can slowly erase the feelings that have kept me trapped here. And with less feelings, I definitely feel less pain.

Less pain is good. I think meeting new people and finding new ways to rediscover what I'm really worth, will help me see clearer.

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Back to lukewarm

Well apparently she has told him that she's spoken to her bible study leader who advised that she should do the right thing. I suppose that means working things out with her husband.

As for him, he said that he thinks it's good if she can work things out with her husband, but muttered that 'we are supposed to do the right thing, whatever that means' and that he is still not sure what is the right thing.

That pains me. So does he think that he wishes that he could be with her? That that option was the right thing for him? I earlier thought that this thing with her was just a sideline and that he would never want to leave me but that view has been completely smashed over the last week. It seems that he has more feelings for her than expected. And what's worse, that he probably feels more romantic feelings for her than for me. His head chooses me, his heart chooses her. This is really sickening.

How can our relationship have meant so little that he could have fallen for someone else so quickly and intensively? It's such a mess right now. I feel differently every hour on what I want to do. As soon as I decide to let him go, I want him again and once I start to feel all positive again, he starts to go in flux and I feel like it's not worth all this torture. But everytime I decide to cut him off, I feel so much pain and I can't completely do it.

And each day we are still talking about the house as though we are still going to be happily living there as a couple. I really truly wish that none of this happened because it should be the best time of my life. I feel really cheated of happiness that I had been looking forward to for so long. And I put in so much effort this past 5 years and tolerated so much and at this final stage, he's pulled the rug from under me. I just feel so frustrated that I have to go through this. I'm a good person, a great girlfriend, hard worker, well liked by friends. I should be having a wonderful life. I should have a great husband, 2 kids by now, and all the stability and harmony and love at home. Instead I find myself in a place where the one person that I've trusted with my future has betrayed me and continues to betray me. His feelings and desire are somewhere else and he's prepared to give me up for it. He's deceived me, lied repeatedly to my face and sneaked around behind my back while continuing our preparations for the house and marriage. In what sick universe does this have to happen????




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Denial

I asked him on whatsapp if he couldn't decide because he was still in love with her. He didn't reply.

I'm coming out of denial and the scenery ain't good. I'm slowly losing all hope and the positive feelings I had last week. How much torture does God want me to go through?

I think I'm going to get some sort of nervous breakdown soon if I don't sort this out. But, the more I try to force a decision, the further I get in his heart. And why should I have to grovel? Why do I have to be the one to give and give and give?

It should really be him wining and dining and sending me flowers and gifts to get me back. I feel so wretched I can't even work. This is utter hell and I don't know what I did to deserve all this.

How do I get to a better place? I think at times like these the silence of death sounds really appealing. And yet I know I can't and that bring me through fresh hell.


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Can't do this

I really really can't do this anymore. He keeps changing his mind and he just can't commit to us. He says he isn't sure that he can love me the way I deserve. That's just a real snarky way to say that he doesn't love me enough.

I think we are really on the break up track now and I keep thinking I should initiate it instead of him.

I also feel crushed that he is probably doing this because of S. Even though he says it's separate, it's the most likely reason right?

I think I'm just about done with all this jerking around and I know I deserve so much better. Why can't I just let go?


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Sweeter days

Yesterday we spent most of our time together again, except for a few hours when he went windsurfing. I bought the book Fall in love, Stay in love by Dr Harley and again I realized how much I was doing to destroy the love we had with my negativity, my disagreements and angry outbursts. It doesn't excuse what H did to me but it helped me understand why he went elsewhere to get his emotional needs met.

So I did a lot of laundry, packed up the house a little and when he came home, he was indeed happy to find out that I've done a bit for the house.

When I told him I bought the book and that there is a questionnaire on his needs, he said that he should take it as well. Which he did after dinner out and it apparently made him realize that I have been fulfilling most of his needs and that things were not that bad. Then I think it made him question himself as to why he had the affair in the first place.

Then we watched glee, and went to bed and had a really great bedroom time because for the first time since I moved back, He took as much initiative as me in getting into it. I thought it showed that his feelings may be returning.

This morning I asked him how he felt and he had this really perplexed look and said that he was feeling discomfort that he couldn't really remember why he had felt there was something wrong or missing in our relationship. He felt that things are good again but was worried that it was not real.

Then this morning on whatsapp we exchanged our thoughts about each other and I realized that I hadn't been complimenting him for a long time. I told him all the positive things that I know of him and he responded with enthusiasm. I think he was just waiting for endorsement from me- to know that I think he is great. That could have been one of the things he really needed and was seeking.

He also used the words entangled and that he played with fire and that he was choking and sinking because of what he did. I hope it kind of means that he views the affair as something external to us, and that at the core it is still him and me.

Last night

Yesterday was an emotional one. I was with him the whole day except while he was windsurfing and I did tell him that if he can't give me the love I deserve, he should set me free.

We talked about it somemore before and after dinner, and after we watched Super 8. At home after showering and lying next to each other, we both felt the reality of the pain in leaving each other. He told me that he was frightened of life without me. And then he started sobbing and we both cried for a long long time, just holding each other.

Then we slept. This morning we talked a little more and recognized that it would be very very painful to break up. Actually we talked the whole day. He showed me the whatsapp conversation with her (after some coaxing) which showed that she was messaging him quite a lot. His reply has so far been quite sporadic. But her messages were long as well. He said that she's frustrated that he's being lukewarm. I think it's a good sign, as it means that she's getting more desperate and she's acting more like the imbalanced person than me! And in the websites that I've read, the affairs go through stages and towards the end, when it becomes more trouble than it's worth, then the end is nigh. But in H's case, the main problem seems to be that he feels immense guilt that her husband wants to divorce her and that seems to be the main problem.

But I also know that he still feels romantic feelings for her and that is also the obstacle between us.

Lord I pray and hope that his feelings for her will wane and that he will fall back in love with me. I pray that she and her husband can work things out and will decide to stay together.


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Window and wine

We had dinner with his friends last night and I had quite a bit of wine. Instead of making me happy it made me quite sad and I found myself later at home crying for the first time in maybe 2 weeks. While he showered and as I was crying, I happened to see the window and in my wine haze it occurred to me that it was indeed less frightening to think about suicide when you're drunk. Made sense.

I decided to see what it would feel like to stand at the window. I opened it and yes it was large enough for me. Given the weight of my head, just bending over the window and leaning out would do the job.

But I wasn't going to do it. I knew that I'd considered everything and I wouldn't be able to do it to my parents. I just wanted to see how I would feel if I went to the window.

Then H came out of the shower, saw me and probably got a big fright. I recall him saying no one should have to deserve this and then I went to shower and I slept immediately. I woke up with a headache. But for the first time since d-day, he held my hand in the car.

But is pity love going to be good enough for me? As my friend said, is he really thinking that he would really like to be with her but her long drawn out divorce putting him off, and with me being the very obliging girlfriend giving him a safety net? Maybe since we are not married, I shouldn't be applying marriage principles- maybe I shouldn't have to be positive and pleasant and nice.

Maybe I really should be pushing him away and letting him chase me.

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Compartments

I feel like I've compressed all my pain and indignance and resentment and devastation and worthlessness and misery all into one very small room in my house. I've tried to fill the rest of the house with a loving peaceful and healing identity. I try to fill it to the brim with positive thoughts, hope, optimism, faith, and a desire to overcome this. And I keep the door to the first room locked tight. I try not to think about this room. I try to forget that there is such a place in my house.

But once or twice a day I open the door a crack, just to see whether the things in there have somehow changed or disappeared or died. Then I get an awful shock that they are still there in full force, they consume me and they start to seep into the rest of my rooms, extinguishing the light. And I quickly scramble to contain them in the room again and lock it tight.

And everyday, i try to make the room smaller and smaller, compressing it into an even smaller corner of my house. It's a very tightly controlled process.

I told him again that he needs to let go of her completely. He says that it's hard to let go of the friendship. I tell him that it's not a friendship anymore and it continues to pain me when he keeps that 'friendship' around. The very fact that he is willing to prolong the pain to me, even after the original pain inflicted, is enough for me to open the door to the room wide open and let the despair flood the house. But I don't. I don't dare to because I don't think I can close it all back in once I do. And once I take that step, it will be all over.

I told him how illogical he is acting, to how resistant he is to letting go of this thing that is harmful to all involved. But he just can't see it. I wish to God that the fog will lift soon.


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Day 5

After I came home from drinks with friend last night, and when we were trying to sleep, she messaged again. Apparently it was that her husband was asking her for details incessantly. But this was at 230am on a weekday night. So I can tell that she's feeling pretty desperate.

At first he told me it was his friend J. I didn't believe him and I asked him nicely that if it's her, it's ok. And we should be able to be honest with each other. He admitted that it was her but that he had not been replying to her messages. I told myself that even if I wanted to argue about this, I should probably not do it at 3 in the morning. So for the first time since this whole thing happened, I could calm my feelings with reason. Progress I suppose.

This morning I told him very calmly and pleasantly that if he really cannot cut all communications with her, it's doomed to fail so I will have to ask him to move out. He understands and I presented him the option of making it clear to her that he cannot keep in contact, or to block her on his whatsapp so that he won't see her SMSes. I think he's mulling over that.

Thinking it over, smsing him at 3 in the morning is definitely not considerate behaviour so perhaps her unhappiness and true character is now coming through. I think it really helps him too that I am so nice and calm and pleasant at home. There is nothing to complain about to her anymore you see. I would recommend this sort of behavior for anyone struggling with a husband having an affair.

Mind over matter! It can be done.


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Friend

I met up with a friend yesterday who is unfortunately going through a painful time in his marriage. It made me really think that things could be a lot worse for me.

We could already be married with children. It could have been an affair that's lasted for 2 years or even longer. If I didn't find out, we might hv gotten married and I would have discovered it later. She could have gotten pregnant. I might have caught them in bed together. He may have left me right away for her. He may have passed me an STD.

I guess it's good to count my blessings.


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How best to proceed

I've been reading up on how to have a happy relationship and grow in love, and there's a lot I can do. I've learned what is probably most important to H and what he probably got from her. I've also learned that my behaviour took away love that we had, albeit was in response to his behaviour towards me.

I think I was not very affectionate the last few months. I was demanding and critical of him all the time because I felt that what happened last year and that he had not proposed, took away so much of my desire to love him back. I was in the mode of, if he really wants me then he has to try harder and I've already given enough.

With that kind of mindset, obviously his needs were not met. He did complain a number of times that I ruin happy weekends by being unpleasant and not being sociable to his friends and family.

He also has a need for domestic support, and I remember a number of times where he would be very pleased when I cooked for his family or friends. He also complained often that I didn't keep the place neat and my hair was always dropping on the floor.

He needs me to look attractive. He always pointed it out when I dressed sloppily, or if I had a stain, or if my underwear elastic was loose. He liked me to dress up often, even if it meant overdressing for the occasion.

He liked companionship for his recreational activities. I used to accompany him all the time at the beach and I stopped doing that. I used to tag along when he went out with friends and I stopped doing that too. There were a couple of occasions where he really wanted me to join him in having drinks with some acquaintances and I simply refused. He didn't ask me much the last few months.

He liked me to be pleasant and considerate about others. When I was selfish, it turned him away.

Now that I know all this, I'm trying to take small steps in doing more of these. I hope it works. But often I feel myself getting insecure and doing all the wrong things again, the things that satisfy me but not him. How do I overcome my bad habits?

Progress?

Last night was a good one- we talked throughout the evening and we shared with each other what we had gone through before, what we think went wrong leading to the affair. He said that it made him feel connected to me again. After that we had a pretty hot time together and that was really good.

After feeling close to him, she ruined it by messaging him. He told me that she said that her husband wanted to sell the house, ie he wanted a divorce and he also wanted details abt the affair.

H was affected - but he didnt reply her. Later when I asked him whether he would reply, he said probably best not to reply which I agreed. He said he may say 'im sorry'. I think I prefer him not to reply at all and he agreed not to.
I suggested blocking her number but he's not ready for that. He said probably she won't message after his no reply.

I think either way she will likely feel some despair, on one hand I know how painful that can be, but at the same time I do feel a sense of satisfaction that he is ignoring her message.

But I know that he still has feelings for her even though it may be waning. I really hope and pray that he can let it go and give us a chance.

This morning I asked him again if he will reply to her and he said no. But I will keep wondering. He said he deleted all her photos. Should I ask him to delete all her messages too?


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From marriage builders on love bank

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

From marriage builders

Great post on our emotional needs

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Day 4 and crisis

Seems that it doesn't just rain on what little I have, it storms.

Yesterday we were enjoying dinner, being positive and pleasant and all of that, when H got a call from a friend that basically told him that his clinic may be involved in investigations related to some other person's case. It's really unfortunate because it's the one thing that he's been afraid of all these years and now, because of someone else's problems, he has to get involved.

Worse still because now he won't be in the right state of mind for settling our problems, out relationship and our future. The past few times this kind of thing happened, it's always been me that's put on the backburner. Eg our wedding, proposals, moving in, etc. Now that there is the further complication of his feelings for this other person, I really lost all hope that I will ever get all his feelings back. Ive lost hope of ever achieving the dream of him, coming out of the fog and where it hits him on the head that he wants to be with me, unequivocally. That he cannot and does not want to live without me.

And to make matters worse, after that I asked him whether he told her about his problems with the medical board and he said he did. And I lost it completely, I smacked his arm and used the pillow to hit the bed over and over while saying What he did is unbelievable and crying. He of course hates violence and I know this but I really just couldn't help it. I just erupted.

After that we each said sorry but I just feel a sense of absolute despair and that I don't know why I'm putting myself through all this. After putting me through every sort of stress imagineable and me helping and supporting him through every time, he shares with her the issues and presumably getting a lot of comfort and support as well. What does that make me? I'm the one who has to do the heavy lifting and I get absolutely no recognition or respect at all. Instead, she reaps all the benefits. Does that seem fair to you??

I just don't know anymore and maybe I should start worrying about myself and stop sacrificing my dreams and wishes since no one here is looking out or my welfare.

What he likes and not

Just lost my entry again!!!

What he wants me to be, after digging deep in my memory for what we argued about the last few months.

- To be less argumentative
- to be more loving towards his family
- to be less impatient
- to not lose my temper
- to not be physically violent
- to not raise my voice

Which of these can I deal with? I agree I need to be more patient and have less outbursts. It's not attractive. But sometimes when you're pushed to the edge, there's no more luxury of being nice and patient. I think the last few months I was extremely unhappy with the fact that he had not proposed. That made me act in unreasonable ways, I'll give you that. Guess it wasnt justified. If only I hadn't done all that, maybe he wouldn't have strayed? I'm starting to blame myself which I know we shouldn't do.

But I agree that I need to work on myself. Not for him, but for myself.

So I'm going to be working on being more positive!




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5 wks since d-day

Just lost my blog entry because blogpress died on me.

After this morning, I called him and let him have it. I told him that his relationship with her was shallow and not based on any real foundations. After all they didnt even meet with friends or family. They didn't have to talk about real stuff like paying bills, future, etc and in that kind of bubble, sure everything can be kept pleasant. And it's easy to be agreeable when he's complaining about me to her, just wait til he's complaining about her to her. How would things be different?

I also questioned whether he confused the friendship with the 'falling' feeling. It could be that they were just meant to be friends and when they both felt that the needed something from their partners which wasn't being met, they applied the desire on each other.

And where was she when we went through nightmare patients like U and K? Where was she when he had SMC problems? Where was she when he had problems with his partners? Or when he had to face pressure from his brother and dad to break up with me? I was always there to support him and he can always trust that I will be there. Can he really get that with her?

He said that he knows this. I think he know deep down that all this rings true. I hope and pray that the feelings will soon follow the reason. Because I know that Linda went through it worse- Doug told her he loved Tanya and he was even willing to leave Linda and her family. At least H still sees the logic and reason even through the haze. I just wish he will snap out of it soon.

I think he last saw her 2wks ago, unless he's met her again since the last time. I think they've exchanges texts maybe 3 days ago? I hope it will end soon and that he will at least cut off all contact with her. Help me Lord to be patient and trust that you have our best interests at heart.

But to remember his words, that he doesn't 'fall' for someone easily and he 'fell' for her, still tears me apart.


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Backing Off Can Be Powerful

Backing Off Can Be Powerful

Anger

We were having a nice morning before I left for work, but it was ruined when I started asking questions about how he was feeling. I think I definitely did not charge neutral. Nothing new came out of the conversation only that he thinks I'm too sure and confident about my statements, when in reality I am just trying very hard to keep positive.

I think he would prefer it if I were sad and upset and needy, instead of saying that I can move on without you.

The other pt that I got upset about is how he says that they were friends for a few months before they fell for each other. It really makes me sick. So what right?? Tons of people start relationships as friends first, so what's the big deal? And so what if we got together after a week, does that mean the last 5 years is inferior and less special than what you have with her? It's ridiculous, bordering preposterous. I just don't know how to communicate this and i think if I come out and say it it will come out all wrong.

This is sick sick sick sickening. I hate it, I wish I can just leave and be happy and not have to subject myself to this painful situation.


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Day 2 at home

This is day 2- but of course it's a Monday and we were both at work. I couldn't sleep well last night because of the bed and I guess I'm not used to it.

Had dinner with his family and as usual it was warm and nice. Watching glee now.

Echoes abound

I just realized that H always remembers what I say, and more than that, what I say does in a sense become the truth to him. For example, I told him that if he decides to go with her, by the time she's divorced, they'll be 40 and then they will have to have kids right away and by the time they have kids (if they even can considering she had a series of miscarriages), they'll be 45. Then by the time the child is in grade 1, he'll be 50. I thought I was just making an objective and slightly snarky point. But to my surprise, he repeated back to me just yesterday what I said and told me that he thought about it.

On a less positive example, I told him early on that he loves me but he's not in love with me. Now he throws that in my face like a new discovery that he didn't know of but he thinks I'm right!

How dangerous. I need to really be careful about what I'm saying and not to seed negative thoughts in his head. On the other hand, it means that I can say positive reinforcing messages and he may subconsciously believe them as well.

I don't want to be manipulative - but it really is happening. So I should reinforce the fact
-that he was never going to give me up in the first place
-that the attraction is only temporary, and they will grow out of it,
-that she needs the space to work on her marriage,
-that he is feeling bad about her predicament but he has made a choice,
-that he was attracted to her because there was something he needed from me ( which I think he mentioned once that he felt safe with her because she would never want to harm him, and she was always agreeable),
-that Their attraction was not strongly founded because it was based on lies and deceit,
-that she found him attractive because she wanted a reason to end her marriage,
-they only saw each other's good points because it was just an infatuation,
- that he would regret it if I decided to leave.
- all his friends and family who love him think that I am more suited to him than her
- it was just an infatuation, nothing more
- our history is valuable and cannot be easily replaced
- we had a lot of love when we first got together( although he keeps saying that we only knew each other for a week before we got together and she and him have been friends for 18 years. But the reality is that they went to school together and weren't really close friends and they only recently reconnected. How well do you really know someone like that??)
- that I am kindhearted. He told me that the one trait that stands out about her is her kindness. How kind was her affair to her husband of 10 years? How kind was she when she disregarded his fiancé and flew up to meet him? I think this is something I hope he will wake up from when the fog lifts.
- that he has loved me all along and our love has withstood the test of time and trials.
- I have been loyal to him all this while. I would not betray him the way she betrayed her husband.
- that I am definitely more attractive than her.

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Delayed decision

The house is weighing on my mind-we were to sign the form with lawyers to send it back to SLA this week. But to decide on getting married under this circumstance feels really wrong. At least, when we do decide to go ahead, I want him to be very sure, and I want his feelings to be 100% with me. Not this current scenario where I think he fluctuates from 50-50 to maybe 80-20. As in, on good days he is 80% sure and on bad days, he is 50% wishing that he doesn't have to lose her.

Yesterday in the car he also admitted that he 'fell' for her and he doesn't fall for people easily. That hurt me and remembering it also gives me much pain. How does someone just fall for someone else when you're supposed to marry me? How can I even consider marriage when he fell for someone else? How can he consider marrying me now when he's fallen for someone else? How can I live on knowing that he had fallen for someone else and he's not in love with me?? This brings up fresh wounds.

I don't know why I have to go through this. Is this a punishment for what I did to my ex husband? It's what I deserve? Is it to teach me a lesson or to make me stronger? He wants me to grasp something much better than I had ever conceived

This pain is very raw and difficult to accept. On one hand it's good that he is honest. But on the other hand I wish he would understand and feel the amount of pain that his words inflict on me.

How should I deal with my heart breaking? If there is a change of heart in a relationship, you can end it and move on. To have to continue when the feelings have moved onto someone else makes me feel worthless, desperate, miserable and like I really really wish things were different. And somewhere deep there's still the belief that I deserve something better than this. I deserve to have a love that is pure and undiluted. A passionate and loyal kind of love where there shouldn't have to be this kind of compromise. Like when carrie left the russian in Paris.

Will H be able to eventually give me that kind of love? I hope so but at the same time I'm fearful of the stacking up of odds against this fluffy dream ever materializing.


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Day 1 back home

Last night I moved back to the apartment. We had a good day together actually, to church then lunch at botanic garden and then shopping for Hans grohe taps which was on sale. He went windsurfing and I went home to practice.

In the car on the way to the beach, he said that he weighed it all and he knows he wants to be with me. That he may still care for her but I think mostly he feels bad for her. Apparently her husband found out (he seems to have known for a while) and wants to leave her. He feels bad that he caused this. But from what he says, he does not want to see it through with her. He mentioned that when I asked him what would happen if she had gotten pregnant. He said that when I asked him that, he felt what it would be like if she had, and that he would feel 'stuck' with her and I don't think he relished the idea of being forced to be with her and having to let me go.

He said it would be too painful to let me go. And he also said that to see it through with her, it would be a repeat of what he went through with me, just that he would be 5 years older. I think he's not prepared to do that. And I felt better after knowing his bottom-line, even if it was from a very selfish perspective. And it helped to know that he was still choosing me, even after knowing that she would be 'available' if she really did get divorced. It helped me feel a little better.

He helped me move my things back and we watched an episode of glee. And we slept together in the same room for the first time in 5 wks.

By faith

I know that people may think I'm being naive or in denial but I've decided to be open to trying again with H and leave it in His hands. If he wants us to be together it will happen. And if He has a different future for us, I will trust that He knows best. In the meantime, I will go where He wants me to.

Attended IBC with H today and there is a semblance of connection again. I told him that I'm open to being normal again. If that's what he wants. He is still a little fearful or tentative, but at least I've made a decision and I'm at peace with it. Until the next storm comes at least.

He said that her last message to him was that 'it hurts'. His reply- I'm sorry. I suppose it proves that she wanted more from him, unlike what he had earlier alluded to- that she doesn't want any more from him than he wanted. He told her that they should each work on their relationships. And she agreed. And he said that she would agree with anything he said. I said, at least she's consistent.

The sermon today though highlighted that 1. What the mind dwells on, it believes. 2. What the mind believes, it will eventually do. So on that basis, I should not talk to H about her anymore and I shouldn't even be dwelling on it as well. He seems to be trying not to think about it. He always says that 'he tries not to think about it' whenever I ask him how he feels.

So maybe that's the right way to go. We should dwell on what is in future, and trust that there's something positive and uplifting waiting for us ahead.


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Chance meeting

Funny thing happened at the piano recital- made a new friend, this Frenchman who sat next to me during the concert and we struck up a nice conversation. I was surprised, really, because I had my glasses on, no trace of makeup, wearing a top and jeans because I didn't expect to see anyone there and I just rolled out of bed.

And even more surprised when he asked if I'd like to join him for dinner and whether I knew anyplace nearby. I surprised myself by driving him to Fong seng, around the corner and we had a nice supper and talked for an hour and half.

It was nice to know that I could still talk and have interesting chats with other men. I think this guy was probably interested in making new friends, and since he was due to fly back to France for vacation this coming wk I didn't have to take anything seriously. But it was fun and lighthearted and even though I looked my worst, he made me feel attractive. Which was a nice thing that happened today. Gives me a bit of confidence and hope for whatever I get in future.


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Turbulence

Supposed to move back tomorrow. But so many obstacles still.

This morning I did something rash-I went over to his place in the morning. I wanted to feel close to him again. It was good to cuddle, while it lasted. After he left, I practiced piano for 2 hours.

But it was after that that I discovered his credit card bills and knowing that I'd find things that would be painful to know, I still went ahead to look. I regretted it. He basically paid for a hotel in end April. I was quite numb actually, and I know that it's happened, not happening anymore. But it still made me call him at his work and went berserk on him which ofcourse freaked him out and I regretted.

And I continue to fume during my hair cut and after that I called him a couple more times, and of course he was windsurfing. He only texted me much later, pleading with me 'tohlong'. I knew I was acting like a crazy person.

After that I still called him and blasted at him again everything and I knew it had to stop. We talked about breaking up and again we said that's not what we want. I told him that what I want was for him to be trying, 200%, not 10%.

I think I'm flogging a dead horse. And by horse I mean myself.

I'm at another piano concert now, nareh Arghamanyan. Hope this distracts me enough to break me out of this hellish cycle.

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Fatigue

I'm just so tired. So tired of everything that's going on, what I'm expected to accept, of what I'll never have. It's just wearing me down and there's no light.

I need some ray of hope. I need some sign, that I'm supposed to continue down this road. I need something to happen, to change. I can't keep going like this.


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Steinway

This is the piano they used last night.





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It's not over yet

After last night when I told him it's over, I accidentally and out of spite, told my mom that it was because he liked another person. I didn't expect how strong her reaction would be. She said that he's not worth it if he could do that to me before marriage. And she can't believe how stupid he could be if he could do that after all the commitments we have made, that our family has made, towards our new houses.

I called him and he was upset that I told my mom. That it was the point of no return, that we can't move forward now because he wouldn't know how to relate to my parents after they know what happened.

I told him that I need to move back and we both commit to making this work, or nothing at all. He agreed that I should move back. But I feel like I forced his hand- originally I wanted to move back only when he decided and when he says he wants me to move back.

This is the same thing all over again- he waiting for others to make the decision. I don't want that, but at the same time I think realistically, things won't happen if I don't make things happen. I hate this feeling.

He also said last night that he imagines that SS still wants to be with him. And when I say that he should be with her if that's what he wants, then he would say that that's not what he wants. He says that his feelings are dying down but it needs just a bit more time. I can't stand this.

Should I move back this weekend as planned or should I wait? I have no one to help me decide. Lord, pls guide me!


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It's over

The concert was great. Conversation after was not.

We went to esplanade and realized, 25min before the start that we were at the wrong venue. Had to rush to the NUS conservatory concert hall and then H insisted he was too hungry and so we went to eat at Fong Seng. Gobbled down Nasi Lemak before rushing back to the venue where we realized that we were too late to catch the first piece. And plus it was the Schubert sonata so we were stuck outside for 15 min.

The rest of the concert was beautiful and technically astounding. But what got me most was the encore Chopin piece. It described exactly what I felt, bittersweet and melancholy.

Afterwards in the car, after much wheedling he confessed that he still cared for SS and he needed more time to flush it out of the system. I told him I can't tolerate that. He said it's almost there. I told him not good enough. And I broke it off.

Later I told him on whatsapp that it's over.


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Piano

Playing the piano started as a desire to fulfill my decade old dream to complete the ABRSM grade 8. I managed to do that successfully after a year and a half of hard work. after finishing my exams last September, I continued along as I eventually may want to take the diploma.

But after the discovery of H's affair, piano became an outlet for my pain and devastation. Especially so because I had a piano recital 2 wks after d-day. My teacher asked me to play the moonlight sonata by Beethoven and Clair de Lune by Debussy.

How I looked forward to playing each day shortly after d-day! It was my one time where I could pour out all the ugliness and terrible thoughts and turn them into something terribly beautiful. I think I had a something of a transformation as a musician then, as I played the moonlight over and over until every note resonated with my pain.

I think the one good thing that came out of this event is that my ears and heart got connected. I feel like I can feel the music now. It goes beyond the eardrums and brain- it shimmers and reverberates in my chest. It makes me cry and I can feel it crushingly beautiful and yet terrible and forelorn and yet again giving me strength and certainty that I still have something, I've grasped something real for me.

I'm not even a mediocre pianist and I'm still struggling technically, but now at least I have a deep seated emotion that I feel compelled to convey. I think that is one of the things that I have to be thankful for.

Piano concert tonight, janina fiakowska is playing Chopin and Liszt. Let's see if my heart is still in enough pain to hear the music for it's true worth.

Destiny

When I was a child we had a coffee mug at home with a picture of a bird painted on it. With the bird there was this common poem:

If you love someone, let him go
If he returns, he is yours
If he does not, he never was

I'm trying to live by it. It's hard and somedays I just want to scream at him to just GIVE HER UP and treasure me! But I know that I want him to want me, for real. And it has to come from deep within him. If it doesn't, then it just wasn't meant to be.

Why cats and dogs

You might wonder why cats and dogs. H always brings up the fact that I like cats and he likes dogs. And the difference somehow explains everything, including why he had the affair.

Ofcourse, SS likes dogs. You know, naturally. He said that she and he are very alike. Or so he thinks. Roughly, both like harmony and don't like confrontations. They both suffer in silence. They think the same way and act the same. It's like he found his soulmate. He used to call me his soulmate too by the way. He still does, for whatever reason.

I think it's super easy to be very agreeable in the beginning of a relationship. They've been having this secret thing going on since - my guess is early march. Afterall, he said that he slept with her for the first time in end march. Thank you, by the way, for doing that just after my birthday and in my birthday month.

It's super easy, as I was saying, to be very alike on SMS and secret rendezvous. Just say you think the same, mimic what each other says, and bingo. For the rest of the meeting up, you're so busy talking about how enthralling you are to him and where is the argument in that?

And what, that makes me the opposite? Confrontational, bitchy, argumentative and likes cats. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

And I'm supposed to be meeting him later for a piano concert. That I invited him to. We are supposed to talk after that. Just where do I park all this resentment.

The aftermath

So what happened after we got back? He was pretty quiet. He didn't know what to say. I asked him why. He said that they were friends and crossed a line. He said that if I could somehow forgive him, he would never do anything to put us through this again.

I asked him to break it off with her, then and there. He was worried that it wasn't convenient for her. He called her after much insistence. He said 'it's me'. I knew then that what they had must have been going on a while. They knew each other by voice. She couldn't talk. They hung up.

I wanted him to leave. He didn't want to. I wanted to leave but he wouldn't let me. He said that he knows he wants to be with me. I was slowly losing my cool. But at the same time, I felt that I was more in control. He would probably beg me for forgiveness and we would be closer than ever.

How silly I was to believe that it would be so simple.

H left and I talked to SJ and she came over. This is the end, she said. There's no way you can think of a future together. You've given enough. Leave him.

I talked to YL. She was measured. She said that I could still have all that I wanted, if I wanted to make it work. She also said that if I decide to work on it, I'd have to have both feet in, fully trusting and committed. It would also be much harder than just leaving.

H came back home, he slept in the guestroom. I went to him and he didn't hug me. He didn't want to talk. He was swallowed up in his own shame and guilt and probably in anguish over losing S. I didn't know then that this would continue for way too long.

I cried myself to sleep asking God over and over that I'd find some strength inside of me to make it through the nightmare.


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The beginning

It's been 4 wks and 2 days since d-day. I can't believe it's been a month since I discovered their affair. I can still recall so clearly how I arrived at changi airport, almost feeling silly and stupid for going to such an extent to find...what exactly, I don't know. But I was promising myself that if I don't find anything, so be it. It would mean that he was telling the truth and I shouldn't worry about him anymore.

But lo and behold, I spy a couple who was obviously in love and can't let go of each other at the duty free. I saw him kissing her forehead just like he used to when we first got together. I saw her kissing his cheek. He was wearing a white shirt. H didn't have a shirt like that did he? I couldn't tell whether it was really him. So I called his phone.

Immediately I saw the person tense up, scramble for the phone, stare intently at the screen and then pick up with trepidation. I told him 'I see you. I see you with her. It's SS, I can't believe it's really her. I'm leaving. I never want to see you again'.

I could see her moving away from him and coming towards the belt. She was wearing a floaty brown dress. She has fair skin. She's looking back at him, worried and anxious.

He is asking me 'where are you tell me where you are' but I cut him off and walked away. He calls me, I pick up. I'm numb. He asks me hurriedly and intently- where are you. And I walk towards him.

He looks at me and there are no words. I asked him - what do you want to say? You're going to break up with me, do it now. And he says 'I still want a future with you'. What the....

He insisted on going back home. We were both silent all the way. I think we were both in shock. Once home, I think the shock drove me to be nice to him. I showed him what I bought from china for our new house. The general and the horse that I so painstakingly lugged home.

I moved out 2 days later to my parents' place and I'm still there, 4 wks and 2 days on.

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glimpses of her

So i spoke to him last night at length - and I know I've hurt myself and him all over again. But the small silver lining is that he didn't tell her that he was getting registered for marriage - it means that he and she was not that authentically close after all. It means that to some extent, she was also in the dark about his real intentions and feelings.

When I asked him whether they spoke about their future together, and whether he ever thought about what they can be in the longer term - he said that they didn't talk about it and he didn't think about it either. How irresponsible! and to add salt, he said that she said that she will never pressure him to do anything. How seemingly altruistic. I remember saying those exact words to him when we were first going out too.

Every day i'm going from 'yes I can do this and make this happen and we can still live happily ever after' to 'no way this is not going to work ever, and I need to punish him so severely that he will never hurt another in this way again'. it's still  a mix of feelings.

He also said that I'm slimmer and prettier than her. and younger. I mean seriously, WHY??? why did you do it then. Is it her personality that is different? she's kinder, sweeter, more gentle, calm, and more compatible with yours? and in the back of my head, i'm thinking that if you were to wait for her to divorce her husband, she's gonna be like 38 or 39  and by the time you marry her, you'll both be 40. Is that really a realistic thing to do???

I can't believe I started a blog on this but i have no other place to put my thoughts down.