I'm back. Things with my ex is still murky, and there's now another man in the picture - worse still, he's still married. Even though he is going to get a divorce, he has a daughter and I think that's not good.
But on the bright side, I'm no longer emotionally dependent on my ex and I feel that I can make a more objective decision...but the thing is, I'm now more emotionally attached to the married guy. And I don't think I can happily go back to my ex now, since my feelings are no longer there.
The married guy is great...when I get to see him. He's sweet, dedicated, sensitive, great in bed, and we're old classmates from school so we're familiar and comfortable with each other. But, he's still most concerned about his daughter's wellbeing, which I perfectly understand.
I wish my life was different.
Showing posts with label discovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label discovery. Show all posts
Sunday, 21 August 2011
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Day 5
After I came home from drinks with friend last night, and when we were trying to sleep, she messaged again. Apparently it was that her husband was asking her for details incessantly. But this was at 230am on a weekday night. So I can tell that she's feeling pretty desperate.
At first he told me it was his friend J. I didn't believe him and I asked him nicely that if it's her, it's ok. And we should be able to be honest with each other. He admitted that it was her but that he had not been replying to her messages. I told myself that even if I wanted to argue about this, I should probably not do it at 3 in the morning. So for the first time since this whole thing happened, I could calm my feelings with reason. Progress I suppose.
This morning I told him very calmly and pleasantly that if he really cannot cut all communications with her, it's doomed to fail so I will have to ask him to move out. He understands and I presented him the option of making it clear to her that he cannot keep in contact, or to block her on his whatsapp so that he won't see her SMSes. I think he's mulling over that.
Thinking it over, smsing him at 3 in the morning is definitely not considerate behaviour so perhaps her unhappiness and true character is now coming through. I think it really helps him too that I am so nice and calm and pleasant at home. There is nothing to complain about to her anymore you see. I would recommend this sort of behavior for anyone struggling with a husband having an affair.
Mind over matter! It can be done.
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At first he told me it was his friend J. I didn't believe him and I asked him nicely that if it's her, it's ok. And we should be able to be honest with each other. He admitted that it was her but that he had not been replying to her messages. I told myself that even if I wanted to argue about this, I should probably not do it at 3 in the morning. So for the first time since this whole thing happened, I could calm my feelings with reason. Progress I suppose.
This morning I told him very calmly and pleasantly that if he really cannot cut all communications with her, it's doomed to fail so I will have to ask him to move out. He understands and I presented him the option of making it clear to her that he cannot keep in contact, or to block her on his whatsapp so that he won't see her SMSes. I think he's mulling over that.
Thinking it over, smsing him at 3 in the morning is definitely not considerate behaviour so perhaps her unhappiness and true character is now coming through. I think it really helps him too that I am so nice and calm and pleasant at home. There is nothing to complain about to her anymore you see. I would recommend this sort of behavior for anyone struggling with a husband having an affair.
Mind over matter! It can be done.
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Friend
I met up with a friend yesterday who is unfortunately going through a painful time in his marriage. It made me really think that things could be a lot worse for me.
We could already be married with children. It could have been an affair that's lasted for 2 years or even longer. If I didn't find out, we might hv gotten married and I would have discovered it later. She could have gotten pregnant. I might have caught them in bed together. He may have left me right away for her. He may have passed me an STD.
I guess it's good to count my blessings.
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We could already be married with children. It could have been an affair that's lasted for 2 years or even longer. If I didn't find out, we might hv gotten married and I would have discovered it later. She could have gotten pregnant. I might have caught them in bed together. He may have left me right away for her. He may have passed me an STD.
I guess it's good to count my blessings.
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How best to proceed
I've been reading up on how to have a happy relationship and grow in love, and there's a lot I can do. I've learned what is probably most important to H and what he probably got from her. I've also learned that my behaviour took away love that we had, albeit was in response to his behaviour towards me.
I think I was not very affectionate the last few months. I was demanding and critical of him all the time because I felt that what happened last year and that he had not proposed, took away so much of my desire to love him back. I was in the mode of, if he really wants me then he has to try harder and I've already given enough.
With that kind of mindset, obviously his needs were not met. He did complain a number of times that I ruin happy weekends by being unpleasant and not being sociable to his friends and family.
He also has a need for domestic support, and I remember a number of times where he would be very pleased when I cooked for his family or friends. He also complained often that I didn't keep the place neat and my hair was always dropping on the floor.
He needs me to look attractive. He always pointed it out when I dressed sloppily, or if I had a stain, or if my underwear elastic was loose. He liked me to dress up often, even if it meant overdressing for the occasion.
He liked companionship for his recreational activities. I used to accompany him all the time at the beach and I stopped doing that. I used to tag along when he went out with friends and I stopped doing that too. There were a couple of occasions where he really wanted me to join him in having drinks with some acquaintances and I simply refused. He didn't ask me much the last few months.
He liked me to be pleasant and considerate about others. When I was selfish, it turned him away.
Now that I know all this, I'm trying to take small steps in doing more of these. I hope it works. But often I feel myself getting insecure and doing all the wrong things again, the things that satisfy me but not him. How do I overcome my bad habits?
I think I was not very affectionate the last few months. I was demanding and critical of him all the time because I felt that what happened last year and that he had not proposed, took away so much of my desire to love him back. I was in the mode of, if he really wants me then he has to try harder and I've already given enough.
With that kind of mindset, obviously his needs were not met. He did complain a number of times that I ruin happy weekends by being unpleasant and not being sociable to his friends and family.
He also has a need for domestic support, and I remember a number of times where he would be very pleased when I cooked for his family or friends. He also complained often that I didn't keep the place neat and my hair was always dropping on the floor.
He needs me to look attractive. He always pointed it out when I dressed sloppily, or if I had a stain, or if my underwear elastic was loose. He liked me to dress up often, even if it meant overdressing for the occasion.
He liked companionship for his recreational activities. I used to accompany him all the time at the beach and I stopped doing that. I used to tag along when he went out with friends and I stopped doing that too. There were a couple of occasions where he really wanted me to join him in having drinks with some acquaintances and I simply refused. He didn't ask me much the last few months.
He liked me to be pleasant and considerate about others. When I was selfish, it turned him away.
Now that I know all this, I'm trying to take small steps in doing more of these. I hope it works. But often I feel myself getting insecure and doing all the wrong things again, the things that satisfy me but not him. How do I overcome my bad habits?
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
What he likes and not
Just lost my entry again!!!
What he wants me to be, after digging deep in my memory for what we argued about the last few months.
- To be less argumentative
- to be more loving towards his family
- to be less impatient
- to not lose my temper
- to not be physically violent
- to not raise my voice
Which of these can I deal with? I agree I need to be more patient and have less outbursts. It's not attractive. But sometimes when you're pushed to the edge, there's no more luxury of being nice and patient. I think the last few months I was extremely unhappy with the fact that he had not proposed. That made me act in unreasonable ways, I'll give you that. Guess it wasnt justified. If only I hadn't done all that, maybe he wouldn't have strayed? I'm starting to blame myself which I know we shouldn't do.
But I agree that I need to work on myself. Not for him, but for myself.
So I'm going to be working on being more positive!
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What he wants me to be, after digging deep in my memory for what we argued about the last few months.
- To be less argumentative
- to be more loving towards his family
- to be less impatient
- to not lose my temper
- to not be physically violent
- to not raise my voice
Which of these can I deal with? I agree I need to be more patient and have less outbursts. It's not attractive. But sometimes when you're pushed to the edge, there's no more luxury of being nice and patient. I think the last few months I was extremely unhappy with the fact that he had not proposed. That made me act in unreasonable ways, I'll give you that. Guess it wasnt justified. If only I hadn't done all that, maybe he wouldn't have strayed? I'm starting to blame myself which I know we shouldn't do.
But I agree that I need to work on myself. Not for him, but for myself.
So I'm going to be working on being more positive!
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5 wks since d-day
Just lost my blog entry because blogpress died on me.
After this morning, I called him and let him have it. I told him that his relationship with her was shallow and not based on any real foundations. After all they didnt even meet with friends or family. They didn't have to talk about real stuff like paying bills, future, etc and in that kind of bubble, sure everything can be kept pleasant. And it's easy to be agreeable when he's complaining about me to her, just wait til he's complaining about her to her. How would things be different?
I also questioned whether he confused the friendship with the 'falling' feeling. It could be that they were just meant to be friends and when they both felt that the needed something from their partners which wasn't being met, they applied the desire on each other.
And where was she when we went through nightmare patients like U and K? Where was she when he had SMC problems? Where was she when he had problems with his partners? Or when he had to face pressure from his brother and dad to break up with me? I was always there to support him and he can always trust that I will be there. Can he really get that with her?
He said that he knows this. I think he know deep down that all this rings true. I hope and pray that the feelings will soon follow the reason. Because I know that Linda went through it worse- Doug told her he loved Tanya and he was even willing to leave Linda and her family. At least H still sees the logic and reason even through the haze. I just wish he will snap out of it soon.
I think he last saw her 2wks ago, unless he's met her again since the last time. I think they've exchanges texts maybe 3 days ago? I hope it will end soon and that he will at least cut off all contact with her. Help me Lord to be patient and trust that you have our best interests at heart.
But to remember his words, that he doesn't 'fall' for someone easily and he 'fell' for her, still tears me apart.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
After this morning, I called him and let him have it. I told him that his relationship with her was shallow and not based on any real foundations. After all they didnt even meet with friends or family. They didn't have to talk about real stuff like paying bills, future, etc and in that kind of bubble, sure everything can be kept pleasant. And it's easy to be agreeable when he's complaining about me to her, just wait til he's complaining about her to her. How would things be different?
I also questioned whether he confused the friendship with the 'falling' feeling. It could be that they were just meant to be friends and when they both felt that the needed something from their partners which wasn't being met, they applied the desire on each other.
And where was she when we went through nightmare patients like U and K? Where was she when he had SMC problems? Where was she when he had problems with his partners? Or when he had to face pressure from his brother and dad to break up with me? I was always there to support him and he can always trust that I will be there. Can he really get that with her?
He said that he knows this. I think he know deep down that all this rings true. I hope and pray that the feelings will soon follow the reason. Because I know that Linda went through it worse- Doug told her he loved Tanya and he was even willing to leave Linda and her family. At least H still sees the logic and reason even through the haze. I just wish he will snap out of it soon.
I think he last saw her 2wks ago, unless he's met her again since the last time. I think they've exchanges texts maybe 3 days ago? I hope it will end soon and that he will at least cut off all contact with her. Help me Lord to be patient and trust that you have our best interests at heart.
But to remember his words, that he doesn't 'fall' for someone easily and he 'fell' for her, still tears me apart.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, 20 June 2011
Echoes abound
I just realized that H always remembers what I say, and more than that, what I say does in a sense become the truth to him. For example, I told him that if he decides to go with her, by the time she's divorced, they'll be 40 and then they will have to have kids right away and by the time they have kids (if they even can considering she had a series of miscarriages), they'll be 45. Then by the time the child is in grade 1, he'll be 50. I thought I was just making an objective and slightly snarky point. But to my surprise, he repeated back to me just yesterday what I said and told me that he thought about it.
On a less positive example, I told him early on that he loves me but he's not in love with me. Now he throws that in my face like a new discovery that he didn't know of but he thinks I'm right!
How dangerous. I need to really be careful about what I'm saying and not to seed negative thoughts in his head. On the other hand, it means that I can say positive reinforcing messages and he may subconsciously believe them as well.
I don't want to be manipulative - but it really is happening. So I should reinforce the fact
-that he was never going to give me up in the first place
-that the attraction is only temporary, and they will grow out of it,
-that she needs the space to work on her marriage,
-that he is feeling bad about her predicament but he has made a choice,
-that he was attracted to her because there was something he needed from me ( which I think he mentioned once that he felt safe with her because she would never want to harm him, and she was always agreeable),
-that Their attraction was not strongly founded because it was based on lies and deceit,
-that she found him attractive because she wanted a reason to end her marriage,
-they only saw each other's good points because it was just an infatuation,
- that he would regret it if I decided to leave.
- all his friends and family who love him think that I am more suited to him than her
- it was just an infatuation, nothing more
- our history is valuable and cannot be easily replaced
- we had a lot of love when we first got together( although he keeps saying that we only knew each other for a week before we got together and she and him have been friends for 18 years. But the reality is that they went to school together and weren't really close friends and they only recently reconnected. How well do you really know someone like that??)
- that I am kindhearted. He told me that the one trait that stands out about her is her kindness. How kind was her affair to her husband of 10 years? How kind was she when she disregarded his fiancé and flew up to meet him? I think this is something I hope he will wake up from when the fog lifts.
- that he has loved me all along and our love has withstood the test of time and trials.
- I have been loyal to him all this while. I would not betray him the way she betrayed her husband.
- that I am definitely more attractive than her.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
On a less positive example, I told him early on that he loves me but he's not in love with me. Now he throws that in my face like a new discovery that he didn't know of but he thinks I'm right!
How dangerous. I need to really be careful about what I'm saying and not to seed negative thoughts in his head. On the other hand, it means that I can say positive reinforcing messages and he may subconsciously believe them as well.
I don't want to be manipulative - but it really is happening. So I should reinforce the fact
-that he was never going to give me up in the first place
-that the attraction is only temporary, and they will grow out of it,
-that she needs the space to work on her marriage,
-that he is feeling bad about her predicament but he has made a choice,
-that he was attracted to her because there was something he needed from me ( which I think he mentioned once that he felt safe with her because she would never want to harm him, and she was always agreeable),
-that Their attraction was not strongly founded because it was based on lies and deceit,
-that she found him attractive because she wanted a reason to end her marriage,
-they only saw each other's good points because it was just an infatuation,
- that he would regret it if I decided to leave.
- all his friends and family who love him think that I am more suited to him than her
- it was just an infatuation, nothing more
- our history is valuable and cannot be easily replaced
- we had a lot of love when we first got together( although he keeps saying that we only knew each other for a week before we got together and she and him have been friends for 18 years. But the reality is that they went to school together and weren't really close friends and they only recently reconnected. How well do you really know someone like that??)
- that I am kindhearted. He told me that the one trait that stands out about her is her kindness. How kind was her affair to her husband of 10 years? How kind was she when she disregarded his fiancé and flew up to meet him? I think this is something I hope he will wake up from when the fog lifts.
- that he has loved me all along and our love has withstood the test of time and trials.
- I have been loyal to him all this while. I would not betray him the way she betrayed her husband.
- that I am definitely more attractive than her.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Day 1 back home
Last night I moved back to the apartment. We had a good day together actually, to church then lunch at botanic garden and then shopping for Hans grohe taps which was on sale. He went windsurfing and I went home to practice.
In the car on the way to the beach, he said that he weighed it all and he knows he wants to be with me. That he may still care for her but I think mostly he feels bad for her. Apparently her husband found out (he seems to have known for a while) and wants to leave her. He feels bad that he caused this. But from what he says, he does not want to see it through with her. He mentioned that when I asked him what would happen if she had gotten pregnant. He said that when I asked him that, he felt what it would be like if she had, and that he would feel 'stuck' with her and I don't think he relished the idea of being forced to be with her and having to let me go.
He said it would be too painful to let me go. And he also said that to see it through with her, it would be a repeat of what he went through with me, just that he would be 5 years older. I think he's not prepared to do that. And I felt better after knowing his bottom-line, even if it was from a very selfish perspective. And it helped to know that he was still choosing me, even after knowing that she would be 'available' if she really did get divorced. It helped me feel a little better.
He helped me move my things back and we watched an episode of glee. And we slept together in the same room for the first time in 5 wks.
In the car on the way to the beach, he said that he weighed it all and he knows he wants to be with me. That he may still care for her but I think mostly he feels bad for her. Apparently her husband found out (he seems to have known for a while) and wants to leave her. He feels bad that he caused this. But from what he says, he does not want to see it through with her. He mentioned that when I asked him what would happen if she had gotten pregnant. He said that when I asked him that, he felt what it would be like if she had, and that he would feel 'stuck' with her and I don't think he relished the idea of being forced to be with her and having to let me go.
He said it would be too painful to let me go. And he also said that to see it through with her, it would be a repeat of what he went through with me, just that he would be 5 years older. I think he's not prepared to do that. And I felt better after knowing his bottom-line, even if it was from a very selfish perspective. And it helped to know that he was still choosing me, even after knowing that she would be 'available' if she really did get divorced. It helped me feel a little better.
He helped me move my things back and we watched an episode of glee. And we slept together in the same room for the first time in 5 wks.
Sunday, 19 June 2011
By faith
I know that people may think I'm being naive or in denial but I've decided to be open to trying again with H and leave it in His hands. If he wants us to be together it will happen. And if He has a different future for us, I will trust that He knows best. In the meantime, I will go where He wants me to.
Attended IBC with H today and there is a semblance of connection again. I told him that I'm open to being normal again. If that's what he wants. He is still a little fearful or tentative, but at least I've made a decision and I'm at peace with it. Until the next storm comes at least.
He said that her last message to him was that 'it hurts'. His reply- I'm sorry. I suppose it proves that she wanted more from him, unlike what he had earlier alluded to- that she doesn't want any more from him than he wanted. He told her that they should each work on their relationships. And she agreed. And he said that she would agree with anything he said. I said, at least she's consistent.
The sermon today though highlighted that 1. What the mind dwells on, it believes. 2. What the mind believes, it will eventually do. So on that basis, I should not talk to H about her anymore and I shouldn't even be dwelling on it as well. He seems to be trying not to think about it. He always says that 'he tries not to think about it' whenever I ask him how he feels.
So maybe that's the right way to go. We should dwell on what is in future, and trust that there's something positive and uplifting waiting for us ahead.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Attended IBC with H today and there is a semblance of connection again. I told him that I'm open to being normal again. If that's what he wants. He is still a little fearful or tentative, but at least I've made a decision and I'm at peace with it. Until the next storm comes at least.
He said that her last message to him was that 'it hurts'. His reply- I'm sorry. I suppose it proves that she wanted more from him, unlike what he had earlier alluded to- that she doesn't want any more from him than he wanted. He told her that they should each work on their relationships. And she agreed. And he said that she would agree with anything he said. I said, at least she's consistent.
The sermon today though highlighted that 1. What the mind dwells on, it believes. 2. What the mind believes, it will eventually do. So on that basis, I should not talk to H about her anymore and I shouldn't even be dwelling on it as well. He seems to be trying not to think about it. He always says that 'he tries not to think about it' whenever I ask him how he feels.
So maybe that's the right way to go. We should dwell on what is in future, and trust that there's something positive and uplifting waiting for us ahead.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
glimpses of her
So i spoke to him last night at length - and I know I've hurt myself and him all over again. But the small silver lining is that he didn't tell her that he was getting registered for marriage - it means that he and she was not that authentically close after all. It means that to some extent, she was also in the dark about his real intentions and feelings.
When I asked him whether they spoke about their future together, and whether he ever thought about what they can be in the longer term - he said that they didn't talk about it and he didn't think about it either. How irresponsible! and to add salt, he said that she said that she will never pressure him to do anything. How seemingly altruistic. I remember saying those exact words to him when we were first going out too.
Every day i'm going from 'yes I can do this and make this happen and we can still live happily ever after' to 'no way this is not going to work ever, and I need to punish him so severely that he will never hurt another in this way again'. it's still a mix of feelings.
He also said that I'm slimmer and prettier than her. and younger. I mean seriously, WHY??? why did you do it then. Is it her personality that is different? she's kinder, sweeter, more gentle, calm, and more compatible with yours? and in the back of my head, i'm thinking that if you were to wait for her to divorce her husband, she's gonna be like 38 or 39 and by the time you marry her, you'll both be 40. Is that really a realistic thing to do???
I can't believe I started a blog on this but i have no other place to put my thoughts down.
When I asked him whether they spoke about their future together, and whether he ever thought about what they can be in the longer term - he said that they didn't talk about it and he didn't think about it either. How irresponsible! and to add salt, he said that she said that she will never pressure him to do anything. How seemingly altruistic. I remember saying those exact words to him when we were first going out too.
Every day i'm going from 'yes I can do this and make this happen and we can still live happily ever after' to 'no way this is not going to work ever, and I need to punish him so severely that he will never hurt another in this way again'. it's still a mix of feelings.
He also said that I'm slimmer and prettier than her. and younger. I mean seriously, WHY??? why did you do it then. Is it her personality that is different? she's kinder, sweeter, more gentle, calm, and more compatible with yours? and in the back of my head, i'm thinking that if you were to wait for her to divorce her husband, she's gonna be like 38 or 39 and by the time you marry her, you'll both be 40. Is that really a realistic thing to do???
I can't believe I started a blog on this but i have no other place to put my thoughts down.
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