Delayed decision

The house is weighing on my mind-we were to sign the form with lawyers to send it back to SLA this week. But to decide on getting married under this circumstance feels really wrong. At least, when we do decide to go ahead, I want him to be very sure, and I want his feelings to be 100% with me. Not this current scenario where I think he fluctuates from 50-50 to maybe 80-20. As in, on good days he is 80% sure and on bad days, he is 50% wishing that he doesn't have to lose her.

Yesterday in the car he also admitted that he 'fell' for her and he doesn't fall for people easily. That hurt me and remembering it also gives me much pain. How does someone just fall for someone else when you're supposed to marry me? How can I even consider marriage when he fell for someone else? How can he consider marrying me now when he's fallen for someone else? How can I live on knowing that he had fallen for someone else and he's not in love with me?? This brings up fresh wounds.

I don't know why I have to go through this. Is this a punishment for what I did to my ex husband? It's what I deserve? Is it to teach me a lesson or to make me stronger? He wants me to grasp something much better than I had ever conceived

This pain is very raw and difficult to accept. On one hand it's good that he is honest. But on the other hand I wish he would understand and feel the amount of pain that his words inflict on me.

How should I deal with my heart breaking? If there is a change of heart in a relationship, you can end it and move on. To have to continue when the feelings have moved onto someone else makes me feel worthless, desperate, miserable and like I really really wish things were different. And somewhere deep there's still the belief that I deserve something better than this. I deserve to have a love that is pure and undiluted. A passionate and loyal kind of love where there shouldn't have to be this kind of compromise. Like when carrie left the russian in Paris.

Will H be able to eventually give me that kind of love? I hope so but at the same time I'm fearful of the stacking up of odds against this fluffy dream ever materializing.


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