Window and wine

We had dinner with his friends last night and I had quite a bit of wine. Instead of making me happy it made me quite sad and I found myself later at home crying for the first time in maybe 2 weeks. While he showered and as I was crying, I happened to see the window and in my wine haze it occurred to me that it was indeed less frightening to think about suicide when you're drunk. Made sense.

I decided to see what it would feel like to stand at the window. I opened it and yes it was large enough for me. Given the weight of my head, just bending over the window and leaning out would do the job.

But I wasn't going to do it. I knew that I'd considered everything and I wouldn't be able to do it to my parents. I just wanted to see how I would feel if I went to the window.

Then H came out of the shower, saw me and probably got a big fright. I recall him saying no one should have to deserve this and then I went to shower and I slept immediately. I woke up with a headache. But for the first time since d-day, he held my hand in the car.

But is pity love going to be good enough for me? As my friend said, is he really thinking that he would really like to be with her but her long drawn out divorce putting him off, and with me being the very obliging girlfriend giving him a safety net? Maybe since we are not married, I shouldn't be applying marriage principles- maybe I shouldn't have to be positive and pleasant and nice.

Maybe I really should be pushing him away and letting him chase me.

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Friend

I met up with a friend yesterday who is unfortunately going through a painful time in his marriage. It made me really think that things could be a lot worse for me.

We could already be married with children. It could have been an affair that's lasted for 2 years or even longer. If I didn't find out, we might hv gotten married and I would have discovered it later. She could have gotten pregnant. I might have caught them in bed together. He may have left me right away for her. He may have passed me an STD.

I guess it's good to count my blessings.


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Day 4 and crisis

Seems that it doesn't just rain on what little I have, it storms.

Yesterday we were enjoying dinner, being positive and pleasant and all of that, when H got a call from a friend that basically told him that his clinic may be involved in investigations related to some other person's case. It's really unfortunate because it's the one thing that he's been afraid of all these years and now, because of someone else's problems, he has to get involved.

Worse still because now he won't be in the right state of mind for settling our problems, out relationship and our future. The past few times this kind of thing happened, it's always been me that's put on the backburner. Eg our wedding, proposals, moving in, etc. Now that there is the further complication of his feelings for this other person, I really lost all hope that I will ever get all his feelings back. Ive lost hope of ever achieving the dream of him, coming out of the fog and where it hits him on the head that he wants to be with me, unequivocally. That he cannot and does not want to live without me.

And to make matters worse, after that I asked him whether he told her about his problems with the medical board and he said he did. And I lost it completely, I smacked his arm and used the pillow to hit the bed over and over while saying What he did is unbelievable and crying. He of course hates violence and I know this but I really just couldn't help it. I just erupted.

After that we each said sorry but I just feel a sense of absolute despair and that I don't know why I'm putting myself through all this. After putting me through every sort of stress imagineable and me helping and supporting him through every time, he shares with her the issues and presumably getting a lot of comfort and support as well. What does that make me? I'm the one who has to do the heavy lifting and I get absolutely no recognition or respect at all. Instead, she reaps all the benefits. Does that seem fair to you??

I just don't know anymore and maybe I should start worrying about myself and stop sacrificing my dreams and wishes since no one here is looking out or my welfare.

Anger

We were having a nice morning before I left for work, but it was ruined when I started asking questions about how he was feeling. I think I definitely did not charge neutral. Nothing new came out of the conversation only that he thinks I'm too sure and confident about my statements, when in reality I am just trying very hard to keep positive.

I think he would prefer it if I were sad and upset and needy, instead of saying that I can move on without you.

The other pt that I got upset about is how he says that they were friends for a few months before they fell for each other. It really makes me sick. So what right?? Tons of people start relationships as friends first, so what's the big deal? And so what if we got together after a week, does that mean the last 5 years is inferior and less special than what you have with her? It's ridiculous, bordering preposterous. I just don't know how to communicate this and i think if I come out and say it it will come out all wrong.

This is sick sick sick sickening. I hate it, I wish I can just leave and be happy and not have to subject myself to this painful situation.


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Delayed decision

The house is weighing on my mind-we were to sign the form with lawyers to send it back to SLA this week. But to decide on getting married under this circumstance feels really wrong. At least, when we do decide to go ahead, I want him to be very sure, and I want his feelings to be 100% with me. Not this current scenario where I think he fluctuates from 50-50 to maybe 80-20. As in, on good days he is 80% sure and on bad days, he is 50% wishing that he doesn't have to lose her.

Yesterday in the car he also admitted that he 'fell' for her and he doesn't fall for people easily. That hurt me and remembering it also gives me much pain. How does someone just fall for someone else when you're supposed to marry me? How can I even consider marriage when he fell for someone else? How can he consider marrying me now when he's fallen for someone else? How can I live on knowing that he had fallen for someone else and he's not in love with me?? This brings up fresh wounds.

I don't know why I have to go through this. Is this a punishment for what I did to my ex husband? It's what I deserve? Is it to teach me a lesson or to make me stronger? He wants me to grasp something much better than I had ever conceived

This pain is very raw and difficult to accept. On one hand it's good that he is honest. But on the other hand I wish he would understand and feel the amount of pain that his words inflict on me.

How should I deal with my heart breaking? If there is a change of heart in a relationship, you can end it and move on. To have to continue when the feelings have moved onto someone else makes me feel worthless, desperate, miserable and like I really really wish things were different. And somewhere deep there's still the belief that I deserve something better than this. I deserve to have a love that is pure and undiluted. A passionate and loyal kind of love where there shouldn't have to be this kind of compromise. Like when carrie left the russian in Paris.

Will H be able to eventually give me that kind of love? I hope so but at the same time I'm fearful of the stacking up of odds against this fluffy dream ever materializing.


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Turbulence

Supposed to move back tomorrow. But so many obstacles still.

This morning I did something rash-I went over to his place in the morning. I wanted to feel close to him again. It was good to cuddle, while it lasted. After he left, I practiced piano for 2 hours.

But it was after that that I discovered his credit card bills and knowing that I'd find things that would be painful to know, I still went ahead to look. I regretted it. He basically paid for a hotel in end April. I was quite numb actually, and I know that it's happened, not happening anymore. But it still made me call him at his work and went berserk on him which ofcourse freaked him out and I regretted.

And I continue to fume during my hair cut and after that I called him a couple more times, and of course he was windsurfing. He only texted me much later, pleading with me 'tohlong'. I knew I was acting like a crazy person.

After that I still called him and blasted at him again everything and I knew it had to stop. We talked about breaking up and again we said that's not what we want. I told him that what I want was for him to be trying, 200%, not 10%.

I think I'm flogging a dead horse. And by horse I mean myself.

I'm at another piano concert now, nareh Arghamanyan. Hope this distracts me enough to break me out of this hellish cycle.

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Fatigue

I'm just so tired. So tired of everything that's going on, what I'm expected to accept, of what I'll never have. It's just wearing me down and there's no light.

I need some ray of hope. I need some sign, that I'm supposed to continue down this road. I need something to happen, to change. I can't keep going like this.


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It's not over yet

After last night when I told him it's over, I accidentally and out of spite, told my mom that it was because he liked another person. I didn't expect how strong her reaction would be. She said that he's not worth it if he could do that to me before marriage. And she can't believe how stupid he could be if he could do that after all the commitments we have made, that our family has made, towards our new houses.

I called him and he was upset that I told my mom. That it was the point of no return, that we can't move forward now because he wouldn't know how to relate to my parents after they know what happened.

I told him that I need to move back and we both commit to making this work, or nothing at all. He agreed that I should move back. But I feel like I forced his hand- originally I wanted to move back only when he decided and when he says he wants me to move back.

This is the same thing all over again- he waiting for others to make the decision. I don't want that, but at the same time I think realistically, things won't happen if I don't make things happen. I hate this feeling.

He also said last night that he imagines that SS still wants to be with him. And when I say that he should be with her if that's what he wants, then he would say that that's not what he wants. He says that his feelings are dying down but it needs just a bit more time. I can't stand this.

Should I move back this weekend as planned or should I wait? I have no one to help me decide. Lord, pls guide me!


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It's over

The concert was great. Conversation after was not.

We went to esplanade and realized, 25min before the start that we were at the wrong venue. Had to rush to the NUS conservatory concert hall and then H insisted he was too hungry and so we went to eat at Fong Seng. Gobbled down Nasi Lemak before rushing back to the venue where we realized that we were too late to catch the first piece. And plus it was the Schubert sonata so we were stuck outside for 15 min.

The rest of the concert was beautiful and technically astounding. But what got me most was the encore Chopin piece. It described exactly what I felt, bittersweet and melancholy.

Afterwards in the car, after much wheedling he confessed that he still cared for SS and he needed more time to flush it out of the system. I told him I can't tolerate that. He said it's almost there. I told him not good enough. And I broke it off.

Later I told him on whatsapp that it's over.


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Piano

Playing the piano started as a desire to fulfill my decade old dream to complete the ABRSM grade 8. I managed to do that successfully after a year and a half of hard work. after finishing my exams last September, I continued along as I eventually may want to take the diploma.

But after the discovery of H's affair, piano became an outlet for my pain and devastation. Especially so because I had a piano recital 2 wks after d-day. My teacher asked me to play the moonlight sonata by Beethoven and Clair de Lune by Debussy.

How I looked forward to playing each day shortly after d-day! It was my one time where I could pour out all the ugliness and terrible thoughts and turn them into something terribly beautiful. I think I had a something of a transformation as a musician then, as I played the moonlight over and over until every note resonated with my pain.

I think the one good thing that came out of this event is that my ears and heart got connected. I feel like I can feel the music now. It goes beyond the eardrums and brain- it shimmers and reverberates in my chest. It makes me cry and I can feel it crushingly beautiful and yet terrible and forelorn and yet again giving me strength and certainty that I still have something, I've grasped something real for me.

I'm not even a mediocre pianist and I'm still struggling technically, but now at least I have a deep seated emotion that I feel compelled to convey. I think that is one of the things that I have to be thankful for.

Piano concert tonight, janina fiakowska is playing Chopin and Liszt. Let's see if my heart is still in enough pain to hear the music for it's true worth.

Destiny

When I was a child we had a coffee mug at home with a picture of a bird painted on it. With the bird there was this common poem:

If you love someone, let him go
If he returns, he is yours
If he does not, he never was

I'm trying to live by it. It's hard and somedays I just want to scream at him to just GIVE HER UP and treasure me! But I know that I want him to want me, for real. And it has to come from deep within him. If it doesn't, then it just wasn't meant to be.

Why cats and dogs

You might wonder why cats and dogs. H always brings up the fact that I like cats and he likes dogs. And the difference somehow explains everything, including why he had the affair.

Ofcourse, SS likes dogs. You know, naturally. He said that she and he are very alike. Or so he thinks. Roughly, both like harmony and don't like confrontations. They both suffer in silence. They think the same way and act the same. It's like he found his soulmate. He used to call me his soulmate too by the way. He still does, for whatever reason.

I think it's super easy to be very agreeable in the beginning of a relationship. They've been having this secret thing going on since - my guess is early march. Afterall, he said that he slept with her for the first time in end march. Thank you, by the way, for doing that just after my birthday and in my birthday month.

It's super easy, as I was saying, to be very alike on SMS and secret rendezvous. Just say you think the same, mimic what each other says, and bingo. For the rest of the meeting up, you're so busy talking about how enthralling you are to him and where is the argument in that?

And what, that makes me the opposite? Confrontational, bitchy, argumentative and likes cats. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

And I'm supposed to be meeting him later for a piano concert. That I invited him to. We are supposed to talk after that. Just where do I park all this resentment.

The aftermath

So what happened after we got back? He was pretty quiet. He didn't know what to say. I asked him why. He said that they were friends and crossed a line. He said that if I could somehow forgive him, he would never do anything to put us through this again.

I asked him to break it off with her, then and there. He was worried that it wasn't convenient for her. He called her after much insistence. He said 'it's me'. I knew then that what they had must have been going on a while. They knew each other by voice. She couldn't talk. They hung up.

I wanted him to leave. He didn't want to. I wanted to leave but he wouldn't let me. He said that he knows he wants to be with me. I was slowly losing my cool. But at the same time, I felt that I was more in control. He would probably beg me for forgiveness and we would be closer than ever.

How silly I was to believe that it would be so simple.

H left and I talked to SJ and she came over. This is the end, she said. There's no way you can think of a future together. You've given enough. Leave him.

I talked to YL. She was measured. She said that I could still have all that I wanted, if I wanted to make it work. She also said that if I decide to work on it, I'd have to have both feet in, fully trusting and committed. It would also be much harder than just leaving.

H came back home, he slept in the guestroom. I went to him and he didn't hug me. He didn't want to talk. He was swallowed up in his own shame and guilt and probably in anguish over losing S. I didn't know then that this would continue for way too long.

I cried myself to sleep asking God over and over that I'd find some strength inside of me to make it through the nightmare.


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The beginning

It's been 4 wks and 2 days since d-day. I can't believe it's been a month since I discovered their affair. I can still recall so clearly how I arrived at changi airport, almost feeling silly and stupid for going to such an extent to find...what exactly, I don't know. But I was promising myself that if I don't find anything, so be it. It would mean that he was telling the truth and I shouldn't worry about him anymore.

But lo and behold, I spy a couple who was obviously in love and can't let go of each other at the duty free. I saw him kissing her forehead just like he used to when we first got together. I saw her kissing his cheek. He was wearing a white shirt. H didn't have a shirt like that did he? I couldn't tell whether it was really him. So I called his phone.

Immediately I saw the person tense up, scramble for the phone, stare intently at the screen and then pick up with trepidation. I told him 'I see you. I see you with her. It's SS, I can't believe it's really her. I'm leaving. I never want to see you again'.

I could see her moving away from him and coming towards the belt. She was wearing a floaty brown dress. She has fair skin. She's looking back at him, worried and anxious.

He is asking me 'where are you tell me where you are' but I cut him off and walked away. He calls me, I pick up. I'm numb. He asks me hurriedly and intently- where are you. And I walk towards him.

He looks at me and there are no words. I asked him - what do you want to say? You're going to break up with me, do it now. And he says 'I still want a future with you'. What the....

He insisted on going back home. We were both silent all the way. I think we were both in shock. Once home, I think the shock drove me to be nice to him. I showed him what I bought from china for our new house. The general and the horse that I so painstakingly lugged home.

I moved out 2 days later to my parents' place and I'm still there, 4 wks and 2 days on.

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glimpses of her

So i spoke to him last night at length - and I know I've hurt myself and him all over again. But the small silver lining is that he didn't tell her that he was getting registered for marriage - it means that he and she was not that authentically close after all. It means that to some extent, she was also in the dark about his real intentions and feelings.

When I asked him whether they spoke about their future together, and whether he ever thought about what they can be in the longer term - he said that they didn't talk about it and he didn't think about it either. How irresponsible! and to add salt, he said that she said that she will never pressure him to do anything. How seemingly altruistic. I remember saying those exact words to him when we were first going out too.

Every day i'm going from 'yes I can do this and make this happen and we can still live happily ever after' to 'no way this is not going to work ever, and I need to punish him so severely that he will never hurt another in this way again'. it's still  a mix of feelings.

He also said that I'm slimmer and prettier than her. and younger. I mean seriously, WHY??? why did you do it then. Is it her personality that is different? she's kinder, sweeter, more gentle, calm, and more compatible with yours? and in the back of my head, i'm thinking that if you were to wait for her to divorce her husband, she's gonna be like 38 or 39  and by the time you marry her, you'll both be 40. Is that really a realistic thing to do???

I can't believe I started a blog on this but i have no other place to put my thoughts down.