Turbulence

Supposed to move back tomorrow. But so many obstacles still.

This morning I did something rash-I went over to his place in the morning. I wanted to feel close to him again. It was good to cuddle, while it lasted. After he left, I practiced piano for 2 hours.

But it was after that that I discovered his credit card bills and knowing that I'd find things that would be painful to know, I still went ahead to look. I regretted it. He basically paid for a hotel in end April. I was quite numb actually, and I know that it's happened, not happening anymore. But it still made me call him at his work and went berserk on him which ofcourse freaked him out and I regretted.

And I continue to fume during my hair cut and after that I called him a couple more times, and of course he was windsurfing. He only texted me much later, pleading with me 'tohlong'. I knew I was acting like a crazy person.

After that I still called him and blasted at him again everything and I knew it had to stop. We talked about breaking up and again we said that's not what we want. I told him that what I want was for him to be trying, 200%, not 10%.

I think I'm flogging a dead horse. And by horse I mean myself.

I'm at another piano concert now, nareh Arghamanyan. Hope this distracts me enough to break me out of this hellish cycle.

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