Window and wine

We had dinner with his friends last night and I had quite a bit of wine. Instead of making me happy it made me quite sad and I found myself later at home crying for the first time in maybe 2 weeks. While he showered and as I was crying, I happened to see the window and in my wine haze it occurred to me that it was indeed less frightening to think about suicide when you're drunk. Made sense.

I decided to see what it would feel like to stand at the window. I opened it and yes it was large enough for me. Given the weight of my head, just bending over the window and leaning out would do the job.

But I wasn't going to do it. I knew that I'd considered everything and I wouldn't be able to do it to my parents. I just wanted to see how I would feel if I went to the window.

Then H came out of the shower, saw me and probably got a big fright. I recall him saying no one should have to deserve this and then I went to shower and I slept immediately. I woke up with a headache. But for the first time since d-day, he held my hand in the car.

But is pity love going to be good enough for me? As my friend said, is he really thinking that he would really like to be with her but her long drawn out divorce putting him off, and with me being the very obliging girlfriend giving him a safety net? Maybe since we are not married, I shouldn't be applying marriage principles- maybe I shouldn't have to be positive and pleasant and nice.

Maybe I really should be pushing him away and letting him chase me.

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