Day 4 and crisis

Seems that it doesn't just rain on what little I have, it storms.

Yesterday we were enjoying dinner, being positive and pleasant and all of that, when H got a call from a friend that basically told him that his clinic may be involved in investigations related to some other person's case. It's really unfortunate because it's the one thing that he's been afraid of all these years and now, because of someone else's problems, he has to get involved.

Worse still because now he won't be in the right state of mind for settling our problems, out relationship and our future. The past few times this kind of thing happened, it's always been me that's put on the backburner. Eg our wedding, proposals, moving in, etc. Now that there is the further complication of his feelings for this other person, I really lost all hope that I will ever get all his feelings back. Ive lost hope of ever achieving the dream of him, coming out of the fog and where it hits him on the head that he wants to be with me, unequivocally. That he cannot and does not want to live without me.

And to make matters worse, after that I asked him whether he told her about his problems with the medical board and he said he did. And I lost it completely, I smacked his arm and used the pillow to hit the bed over and over while saying What he did is unbelievable and crying. He of course hates violence and I know this but I really just couldn't help it. I just erupted.

After that we each said sorry but I just feel a sense of absolute despair and that I don't know why I'm putting myself through all this. After putting me through every sort of stress imagineable and me helping and supporting him through every time, he shares with her the issues and presumably getting a lot of comfort and support as well. What does that make me? I'm the one who has to do the heavy lifting and I get absolutely no recognition or respect at all. Instead, she reaps all the benefits. Does that seem fair to you??

I just don't know anymore and maybe I should start worrying about myself and stop sacrificing my dreams and wishes since no one here is looking out or my welfare.