Piano

Playing the piano started as a desire to fulfill my decade old dream to complete the ABRSM grade 8. I managed to do that successfully after a year and a half of hard work. after finishing my exams last September, I continued along as I eventually may want to take the diploma.

But after the discovery of H's affair, piano became an outlet for my pain and devastation. Especially so because I had a piano recital 2 wks after d-day. My teacher asked me to play the moonlight sonata by Beethoven and Clair de Lune by Debussy.

How I looked forward to playing each day shortly after d-day! It was my one time where I could pour out all the ugliness and terrible thoughts and turn them into something terribly beautiful. I think I had a something of a transformation as a musician then, as I played the moonlight over and over until every note resonated with my pain.

I think the one good thing that came out of this event is that my ears and heart got connected. I feel like I can feel the music now. It goes beyond the eardrums and brain- it shimmers and reverberates in my chest. It makes me cry and I can feel it crushingly beautiful and yet terrible and forelorn and yet again giving me strength and certainty that I still have something, I've grasped something real for me.

I'm not even a mediocre pianist and I'm still struggling technically, but now at least I have a deep seated emotion that I feel compelled to convey. I think that is one of the things that I have to be thankful for.

Piano concert tonight, janina fiakowska is playing Chopin and Liszt. Let's see if my heart is still in enough pain to hear the music for it's true worth.