I feel like I've compressed all my pain and indignance and resentment and devastation and worthlessness and misery all into one very small room in my house. I've tried to fill the rest of the house with a loving peaceful and healing identity. I try to fill it to the brim with positive thoughts, hope, optimism, faith, and a desire to overcome this. And I keep the door to the first room locked tight. I try not to think about this room. I try to forget that there is such a place in my house.
But once or twice a day I open the door a crack, just to see whether the things in there have somehow changed or disappeared or died. Then I get an awful shock that they are still there in full force, they consume me and they start to seep into the rest of my rooms, extinguishing the light. And I quickly scramble to contain them in the room again and lock it tight.
And everyday, i try to make the room smaller and smaller, compressing it into an even smaller corner of my house. It's a very tightly controlled process.
I told him again that he needs to let go of her completely. He says that it's hard to let go of the friendship. I tell him that it's not a friendship anymore and it continues to pain me when he keeps that 'friendship' around. The very fact that he is willing to prolong the pain to me, even after the original pain inflicted, is enough for me to open the door to the room wide open and let the despair flood the house. But I don't. I don't dare to because I don't think I can close it all back in once I do. And once I take that step, it will be all over.
I told him how illogical he is acting, to how resistant he is to letting go of this thing that is harmful to all involved. But he just can't see it. I wish to God that the fog will lift soon.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Showing posts with label surviving affair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surviving affair. Show all posts
Friday, 24 June 2011
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Day 5
After I came home from drinks with friend last night, and when we were trying to sleep, she messaged again. Apparently it was that her husband was asking her for details incessantly. But this was at 230am on a weekday night. So I can tell that she's feeling pretty desperate.
At first he told me it was his friend J. I didn't believe him and I asked him nicely that if it's her, it's ok. And we should be able to be honest with each other. He admitted that it was her but that he had not been replying to her messages. I told myself that even if I wanted to argue about this, I should probably not do it at 3 in the morning. So for the first time since this whole thing happened, I could calm my feelings with reason. Progress I suppose.
This morning I told him very calmly and pleasantly that if he really cannot cut all communications with her, it's doomed to fail so I will have to ask him to move out. He understands and I presented him the option of making it clear to her that he cannot keep in contact, or to block her on his whatsapp so that he won't see her SMSes. I think he's mulling over that.
Thinking it over, smsing him at 3 in the morning is definitely not considerate behaviour so perhaps her unhappiness and true character is now coming through. I think it really helps him too that I am so nice and calm and pleasant at home. There is nothing to complain about to her anymore you see. I would recommend this sort of behavior for anyone struggling with a husband having an affair.
Mind over matter! It can be done.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
At first he told me it was his friend J. I didn't believe him and I asked him nicely that if it's her, it's ok. And we should be able to be honest with each other. He admitted that it was her but that he had not been replying to her messages. I told myself that even if I wanted to argue about this, I should probably not do it at 3 in the morning. So for the first time since this whole thing happened, I could calm my feelings with reason. Progress I suppose.
This morning I told him very calmly and pleasantly that if he really cannot cut all communications with her, it's doomed to fail so I will have to ask him to move out. He understands and I presented him the option of making it clear to her that he cannot keep in contact, or to block her on his whatsapp so that he won't see her SMSes. I think he's mulling over that.
Thinking it over, smsing him at 3 in the morning is definitely not considerate behaviour so perhaps her unhappiness and true character is now coming through. I think it really helps him too that I am so nice and calm and pleasant at home. There is nothing to complain about to her anymore you see. I would recommend this sort of behavior for anyone struggling with a husband having an affair.
Mind over matter! It can be done.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friend
I met up with a friend yesterday who is unfortunately going through a painful time in his marriage. It made me really think that things could be a lot worse for me.
We could already be married with children. It could have been an affair that's lasted for 2 years or even longer. If I didn't find out, we might hv gotten married and I would have discovered it later. She could have gotten pregnant. I might have caught them in bed together. He may have left me right away for her. He may have passed me an STD.
I guess it's good to count my blessings.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
We could already be married with children. It could have been an affair that's lasted for 2 years or even longer. If I didn't find out, we might hv gotten married and I would have discovered it later. She could have gotten pregnant. I might have caught them in bed together. He may have left me right away for her. He may have passed me an STD.
I guess it's good to count my blessings.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
How best to proceed
I've been reading up on how to have a happy relationship and grow in love, and there's a lot I can do. I've learned what is probably most important to H and what he probably got from her. I've also learned that my behaviour took away love that we had, albeit was in response to his behaviour towards me.
I think I was not very affectionate the last few months. I was demanding and critical of him all the time because I felt that what happened last year and that he had not proposed, took away so much of my desire to love him back. I was in the mode of, if he really wants me then he has to try harder and I've already given enough.
With that kind of mindset, obviously his needs were not met. He did complain a number of times that I ruin happy weekends by being unpleasant and not being sociable to his friends and family.
He also has a need for domestic support, and I remember a number of times where he would be very pleased when I cooked for his family or friends. He also complained often that I didn't keep the place neat and my hair was always dropping on the floor.
He needs me to look attractive. He always pointed it out when I dressed sloppily, or if I had a stain, or if my underwear elastic was loose. He liked me to dress up often, even if it meant overdressing for the occasion.
He liked companionship for his recreational activities. I used to accompany him all the time at the beach and I stopped doing that. I used to tag along when he went out with friends and I stopped doing that too. There were a couple of occasions where he really wanted me to join him in having drinks with some acquaintances and I simply refused. He didn't ask me much the last few months.
He liked me to be pleasant and considerate about others. When I was selfish, it turned him away.
Now that I know all this, I'm trying to take small steps in doing more of these. I hope it works. But often I feel myself getting insecure and doing all the wrong things again, the things that satisfy me but not him. How do I overcome my bad habits?
I think I was not very affectionate the last few months. I was demanding and critical of him all the time because I felt that what happened last year and that he had not proposed, took away so much of my desire to love him back. I was in the mode of, if he really wants me then he has to try harder and I've already given enough.
With that kind of mindset, obviously his needs were not met. He did complain a number of times that I ruin happy weekends by being unpleasant and not being sociable to his friends and family.
He also has a need for domestic support, and I remember a number of times where he would be very pleased when I cooked for his family or friends. He also complained often that I didn't keep the place neat and my hair was always dropping on the floor.
He needs me to look attractive. He always pointed it out when I dressed sloppily, or if I had a stain, or if my underwear elastic was loose. He liked me to dress up often, even if it meant overdressing for the occasion.
He liked companionship for his recreational activities. I used to accompany him all the time at the beach and I stopped doing that. I used to tag along when he went out with friends and I stopped doing that too. There were a couple of occasions where he really wanted me to join him in having drinks with some acquaintances and I simply refused. He didn't ask me much the last few months.
He liked me to be pleasant and considerate about others. When I was selfish, it turned him away.
Now that I know all this, I'm trying to take small steps in doing more of these. I hope it works. But often I feel myself getting insecure and doing all the wrong things again, the things that satisfy me but not him. How do I overcome my bad habits?
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Day 4 and crisis
Seems that it doesn't just rain on what little I have, it storms.
Yesterday we were enjoying dinner, being positive and pleasant and all of that, when H got a call from a friend that basically told him that his clinic may be involved in investigations related to some other person's case. It's really unfortunate because it's the one thing that he's been afraid of all these years and now, because of someone else's problems, he has to get involved.
Worse still because now he won't be in the right state of mind for settling our problems, out relationship and our future. The past few times this kind of thing happened, it's always been me that's put on the backburner. Eg our wedding, proposals, moving in, etc. Now that there is the further complication of his feelings for this other person, I really lost all hope that I will ever get all his feelings back. Ive lost hope of ever achieving the dream of him, coming out of the fog and where it hits him on the head that he wants to be with me, unequivocally. That he cannot and does not want to live without me.
And to make matters worse, after that I asked him whether he told her about his problems with the medical board and he said he did. And I lost it completely, I smacked his arm and used the pillow to hit the bed over and over while saying What he did is unbelievable and crying. He of course hates violence and I know this but I really just couldn't help it. I just erupted.
After that we each said sorry but I just feel a sense of absolute despair and that I don't know why I'm putting myself through all this. After putting me through every sort of stress imagineable and me helping and supporting him through every time, he shares with her the issues and presumably getting a lot of comfort and support as well. What does that make me? I'm the one who has to do the heavy lifting and I get absolutely no recognition or respect at all. Instead, she reaps all the benefits. Does that seem fair to you??
I just don't know anymore and maybe I should start worrying about myself and stop sacrificing my dreams and wishes since no one here is looking out or my welfare.
Yesterday we were enjoying dinner, being positive and pleasant and all of that, when H got a call from a friend that basically told him that his clinic may be involved in investigations related to some other person's case. It's really unfortunate because it's the one thing that he's been afraid of all these years and now, because of someone else's problems, he has to get involved.
Worse still because now he won't be in the right state of mind for settling our problems, out relationship and our future. The past few times this kind of thing happened, it's always been me that's put on the backburner. Eg our wedding, proposals, moving in, etc. Now that there is the further complication of his feelings for this other person, I really lost all hope that I will ever get all his feelings back. Ive lost hope of ever achieving the dream of him, coming out of the fog and where it hits him on the head that he wants to be with me, unequivocally. That he cannot and does not want to live without me.
And to make matters worse, after that I asked him whether he told her about his problems with the medical board and he said he did. And I lost it completely, I smacked his arm and used the pillow to hit the bed over and over while saying What he did is unbelievable and crying. He of course hates violence and I know this but I really just couldn't help it. I just erupted.
After that we each said sorry but I just feel a sense of absolute despair and that I don't know why I'm putting myself through all this. After putting me through every sort of stress imagineable and me helping and supporting him through every time, he shares with her the issues and presumably getting a lot of comfort and support as well. What does that make me? I'm the one who has to do the heavy lifting and I get absolutely no recognition or respect at all. Instead, she reaps all the benefits. Does that seem fair to you??
I just don't know anymore and maybe I should start worrying about myself and stop sacrificing my dreams and wishes since no one here is looking out or my welfare.
What he likes and not
Just lost my entry again!!!
What he wants me to be, after digging deep in my memory for what we argued about the last few months.
- To be less argumentative
- to be more loving towards his family
- to be less impatient
- to not lose my temper
- to not be physically violent
- to not raise my voice
Which of these can I deal with? I agree I need to be more patient and have less outbursts. It's not attractive. But sometimes when you're pushed to the edge, there's no more luxury of being nice and patient. I think the last few months I was extremely unhappy with the fact that he had not proposed. That made me act in unreasonable ways, I'll give you that. Guess it wasnt justified. If only I hadn't done all that, maybe he wouldn't have strayed? I'm starting to blame myself which I know we shouldn't do.
But I agree that I need to work on myself. Not for him, but for myself.
So I'm going to be working on being more positive!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
What he wants me to be, after digging deep in my memory for what we argued about the last few months.
- To be less argumentative
- to be more loving towards his family
- to be less impatient
- to not lose my temper
- to not be physically violent
- to not raise my voice
Which of these can I deal with? I agree I need to be more patient and have less outbursts. It's not attractive. But sometimes when you're pushed to the edge, there's no more luxury of being nice and patient. I think the last few months I was extremely unhappy with the fact that he had not proposed. That made me act in unreasonable ways, I'll give you that. Guess it wasnt justified. If only I hadn't done all that, maybe he wouldn't have strayed? I'm starting to blame myself which I know we shouldn't do.
But I agree that I need to work on myself. Not for him, but for myself.
So I'm going to be working on being more positive!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
5 wks since d-day
Just lost my blog entry because blogpress died on me.
After this morning, I called him and let him have it. I told him that his relationship with her was shallow and not based on any real foundations. After all they didnt even meet with friends or family. They didn't have to talk about real stuff like paying bills, future, etc and in that kind of bubble, sure everything can be kept pleasant. And it's easy to be agreeable when he's complaining about me to her, just wait til he's complaining about her to her. How would things be different?
I also questioned whether he confused the friendship with the 'falling' feeling. It could be that they were just meant to be friends and when they both felt that the needed something from their partners which wasn't being met, they applied the desire on each other.
And where was she when we went through nightmare patients like U and K? Where was she when he had SMC problems? Where was she when he had problems with his partners? Or when he had to face pressure from his brother and dad to break up with me? I was always there to support him and he can always trust that I will be there. Can he really get that with her?
He said that he knows this. I think he know deep down that all this rings true. I hope and pray that the feelings will soon follow the reason. Because I know that Linda went through it worse- Doug told her he loved Tanya and he was even willing to leave Linda and her family. At least H still sees the logic and reason even through the haze. I just wish he will snap out of it soon.
I think he last saw her 2wks ago, unless he's met her again since the last time. I think they've exchanges texts maybe 3 days ago? I hope it will end soon and that he will at least cut off all contact with her. Help me Lord to be patient and trust that you have our best interests at heart.
But to remember his words, that he doesn't 'fall' for someone easily and he 'fell' for her, still tears me apart.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
After this morning, I called him and let him have it. I told him that his relationship with her was shallow and not based on any real foundations. After all they didnt even meet with friends or family. They didn't have to talk about real stuff like paying bills, future, etc and in that kind of bubble, sure everything can be kept pleasant. And it's easy to be agreeable when he's complaining about me to her, just wait til he's complaining about her to her. How would things be different?
I also questioned whether he confused the friendship with the 'falling' feeling. It could be that they were just meant to be friends and when they both felt that the needed something from their partners which wasn't being met, they applied the desire on each other.
And where was she when we went through nightmare patients like U and K? Where was she when he had SMC problems? Where was she when he had problems with his partners? Or when he had to face pressure from his brother and dad to break up with me? I was always there to support him and he can always trust that I will be there. Can he really get that with her?
He said that he knows this. I think he know deep down that all this rings true. I hope and pray that the feelings will soon follow the reason. Because I know that Linda went through it worse- Doug told her he loved Tanya and he was even willing to leave Linda and her family. At least H still sees the logic and reason even through the haze. I just wish he will snap out of it soon.
I think he last saw her 2wks ago, unless he's met her again since the last time. I think they've exchanges texts maybe 3 days ago? I hope it will end soon and that he will at least cut off all contact with her. Help me Lord to be patient and trust that you have our best interests at heart.
But to remember his words, that he doesn't 'fall' for someone easily and he 'fell' for her, still tears me apart.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, 20 June 2011
Day 2 at home
This is day 2- but of course it's a Monday and we were both at work. I couldn't sleep well last night because of the bed and I guess I'm not used to it.
Had dinner with his family and as usual it was warm and nice. Watching glee now.
Had dinner with his family and as usual it was warm and nice. Watching glee now.
Echoes abound
I just realized that H always remembers what I say, and more than that, what I say does in a sense become the truth to him. For example, I told him that if he decides to go with her, by the time she's divorced, they'll be 40 and then they will have to have kids right away and by the time they have kids (if they even can considering she had a series of miscarriages), they'll be 45. Then by the time the child is in grade 1, he'll be 50. I thought I was just making an objective and slightly snarky point. But to my surprise, he repeated back to me just yesterday what I said and told me that he thought about it.
On a less positive example, I told him early on that he loves me but he's not in love with me. Now he throws that in my face like a new discovery that he didn't know of but he thinks I'm right!
How dangerous. I need to really be careful about what I'm saying and not to seed negative thoughts in his head. On the other hand, it means that I can say positive reinforcing messages and he may subconsciously believe them as well.
I don't want to be manipulative - but it really is happening. So I should reinforce the fact
-that he was never going to give me up in the first place
-that the attraction is only temporary, and they will grow out of it,
-that she needs the space to work on her marriage,
-that he is feeling bad about her predicament but he has made a choice,
-that he was attracted to her because there was something he needed from me ( which I think he mentioned once that he felt safe with her because she would never want to harm him, and she was always agreeable),
-that Their attraction was not strongly founded because it was based on lies and deceit,
-that she found him attractive because she wanted a reason to end her marriage,
-they only saw each other's good points because it was just an infatuation,
- that he would regret it if I decided to leave.
- all his friends and family who love him think that I am more suited to him than her
- it was just an infatuation, nothing more
- our history is valuable and cannot be easily replaced
- we had a lot of love when we first got together( although he keeps saying that we only knew each other for a week before we got together and she and him have been friends for 18 years. But the reality is that they went to school together and weren't really close friends and they only recently reconnected. How well do you really know someone like that??)
- that I am kindhearted. He told me that the one trait that stands out about her is her kindness. How kind was her affair to her husband of 10 years? How kind was she when she disregarded his fiancé and flew up to meet him? I think this is something I hope he will wake up from when the fog lifts.
- that he has loved me all along and our love has withstood the test of time and trials.
- I have been loyal to him all this while. I would not betray him the way she betrayed her husband.
- that I am definitely more attractive than her.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
On a less positive example, I told him early on that he loves me but he's not in love with me. Now he throws that in my face like a new discovery that he didn't know of but he thinks I'm right!
How dangerous. I need to really be careful about what I'm saying and not to seed negative thoughts in his head. On the other hand, it means that I can say positive reinforcing messages and he may subconsciously believe them as well.
I don't want to be manipulative - but it really is happening. So I should reinforce the fact
-that he was never going to give me up in the first place
-that the attraction is only temporary, and they will grow out of it,
-that she needs the space to work on her marriage,
-that he is feeling bad about her predicament but he has made a choice,
-that he was attracted to her because there was something he needed from me ( which I think he mentioned once that he felt safe with her because she would never want to harm him, and she was always agreeable),
-that Their attraction was not strongly founded because it was based on lies and deceit,
-that she found him attractive because she wanted a reason to end her marriage,
-they only saw each other's good points because it was just an infatuation,
- that he would regret it if I decided to leave.
- all his friends and family who love him think that I am more suited to him than her
- it was just an infatuation, nothing more
- our history is valuable and cannot be easily replaced
- we had a lot of love when we first got together( although he keeps saying that we only knew each other for a week before we got together and she and him have been friends for 18 years. But the reality is that they went to school together and weren't really close friends and they only recently reconnected. How well do you really know someone like that??)
- that I am kindhearted. He told me that the one trait that stands out about her is her kindness. How kind was her affair to her husband of 10 years? How kind was she when she disregarded his fiancé and flew up to meet him? I think this is something I hope he will wake up from when the fog lifts.
- that he has loved me all along and our love has withstood the test of time and trials.
- I have been loyal to him all this while. I would not betray him the way she betrayed her husband.
- that I am definitely more attractive than her.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Delayed decision
The house is weighing on my mind-we were to sign the form with lawyers to send it back to SLA this week. But to decide on getting married under this circumstance feels really wrong. At least, when we do decide to go ahead, I want him to be very sure, and I want his feelings to be 100% with me. Not this current scenario where I think he fluctuates from 50-50 to maybe 80-20. As in, on good days he is 80% sure and on bad days, he is 50% wishing that he doesn't have to lose her.
Yesterday in the car he also admitted that he 'fell' for her and he doesn't fall for people easily. That hurt me and remembering it also gives me much pain. How does someone just fall for someone else when you're supposed to marry me? How can I even consider marriage when he fell for someone else? How can he consider marrying me now when he's fallen for someone else? How can I live on knowing that he had fallen for someone else and he's not in love with me?? This brings up fresh wounds.
I don't know why I have to go through this. Is this a punishment for what I did to my ex husband? It's what I deserve? Is it to teach me a lesson or to make me stronger? He wants me to grasp something much better than I had ever conceived
This pain is very raw and difficult to accept. On one hand it's good that he is honest. But on the other hand I wish he would understand and feel the amount of pain that his words inflict on me.
How should I deal with my heart breaking? If there is a change of heart in a relationship, you can end it and move on. To have to continue when the feelings have moved onto someone else makes me feel worthless, desperate, miserable and like I really really wish things were different. And somewhere deep there's still the belief that I deserve something better than this. I deserve to have a love that is pure and undiluted. A passionate and loyal kind of love where there shouldn't have to be this kind of compromise. Like when carrie left the russian in Paris.
Will H be able to eventually give me that kind of love? I hope so but at the same time I'm fearful of the stacking up of odds against this fluffy dream ever materializing.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Yesterday in the car he also admitted that he 'fell' for her and he doesn't fall for people easily. That hurt me and remembering it also gives me much pain. How does someone just fall for someone else when you're supposed to marry me? How can I even consider marriage when he fell for someone else? How can he consider marrying me now when he's fallen for someone else? How can I live on knowing that he had fallen for someone else and he's not in love with me?? This brings up fresh wounds.
I don't know why I have to go through this. Is this a punishment for what I did to my ex husband? It's what I deserve? Is it to teach me a lesson or to make me stronger? He wants me to grasp something much better than I had ever conceived
This pain is very raw and difficult to accept. On one hand it's good that he is honest. But on the other hand I wish he would understand and feel the amount of pain that his words inflict on me.
How should I deal with my heart breaking? If there is a change of heart in a relationship, you can end it and move on. To have to continue when the feelings have moved onto someone else makes me feel worthless, desperate, miserable and like I really really wish things were different. And somewhere deep there's still the belief that I deserve something better than this. I deserve to have a love that is pure and undiluted. A passionate and loyal kind of love where there shouldn't have to be this kind of compromise. Like when carrie left the russian in Paris.
Will H be able to eventually give me that kind of love? I hope so but at the same time I'm fearful of the stacking up of odds against this fluffy dream ever materializing.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Day 1 back home
Last night I moved back to the apartment. We had a good day together actually, to church then lunch at botanic garden and then shopping for Hans grohe taps which was on sale. He went windsurfing and I went home to practice.
In the car on the way to the beach, he said that he weighed it all and he knows he wants to be with me. That he may still care for her but I think mostly he feels bad for her. Apparently her husband found out (he seems to have known for a while) and wants to leave her. He feels bad that he caused this. But from what he says, he does not want to see it through with her. He mentioned that when I asked him what would happen if she had gotten pregnant. He said that when I asked him that, he felt what it would be like if she had, and that he would feel 'stuck' with her and I don't think he relished the idea of being forced to be with her and having to let me go.
He said it would be too painful to let me go. And he also said that to see it through with her, it would be a repeat of what he went through with me, just that he would be 5 years older. I think he's not prepared to do that. And I felt better after knowing his bottom-line, even if it was from a very selfish perspective. And it helped to know that he was still choosing me, even after knowing that she would be 'available' if she really did get divorced. It helped me feel a little better.
He helped me move my things back and we watched an episode of glee. And we slept together in the same room for the first time in 5 wks.
In the car on the way to the beach, he said that he weighed it all and he knows he wants to be with me. That he may still care for her but I think mostly he feels bad for her. Apparently her husband found out (he seems to have known for a while) and wants to leave her. He feels bad that he caused this. But from what he says, he does not want to see it through with her. He mentioned that when I asked him what would happen if she had gotten pregnant. He said that when I asked him that, he felt what it would be like if she had, and that he would feel 'stuck' with her and I don't think he relished the idea of being forced to be with her and having to let me go.
He said it would be too painful to let me go. And he also said that to see it through with her, it would be a repeat of what he went through with me, just that he would be 5 years older. I think he's not prepared to do that. And I felt better after knowing his bottom-line, even if it was from a very selfish perspective. And it helped to know that he was still choosing me, even after knowing that she would be 'available' if she really did get divorced. It helped me feel a little better.
He helped me move my things back and we watched an episode of glee. And we slept together in the same room for the first time in 5 wks.
Sunday, 19 June 2011
By faith
I know that people may think I'm being naive or in denial but I've decided to be open to trying again with H and leave it in His hands. If he wants us to be together it will happen. And if He has a different future for us, I will trust that He knows best. In the meantime, I will go where He wants me to.
Attended IBC with H today and there is a semblance of connection again. I told him that I'm open to being normal again. If that's what he wants. He is still a little fearful or tentative, but at least I've made a decision and I'm at peace with it. Until the next storm comes at least.
He said that her last message to him was that 'it hurts'. His reply- I'm sorry. I suppose it proves that she wanted more from him, unlike what he had earlier alluded to- that she doesn't want any more from him than he wanted. He told her that they should each work on their relationships. And she agreed. And he said that she would agree with anything he said. I said, at least she's consistent.
The sermon today though highlighted that 1. What the mind dwells on, it believes. 2. What the mind believes, it will eventually do. So on that basis, I should not talk to H about her anymore and I shouldn't even be dwelling on it as well. He seems to be trying not to think about it. He always says that 'he tries not to think about it' whenever I ask him how he feels.
So maybe that's the right way to go. We should dwell on what is in future, and trust that there's something positive and uplifting waiting for us ahead.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Attended IBC with H today and there is a semblance of connection again. I told him that I'm open to being normal again. If that's what he wants. He is still a little fearful or tentative, but at least I've made a decision and I'm at peace with it. Until the next storm comes at least.
He said that her last message to him was that 'it hurts'. His reply- I'm sorry. I suppose it proves that she wanted more from him, unlike what he had earlier alluded to- that she doesn't want any more from him than he wanted. He told her that they should each work on their relationships. And she agreed. And he said that she would agree with anything he said. I said, at least she's consistent.
The sermon today though highlighted that 1. What the mind dwells on, it believes. 2. What the mind believes, it will eventually do. So on that basis, I should not talk to H about her anymore and I shouldn't even be dwelling on it as well. He seems to be trying not to think about it. He always says that 'he tries not to think about it' whenever I ask him how he feels.
So maybe that's the right way to go. We should dwell on what is in future, and trust that there's something positive and uplifting waiting for us ahead.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Turbulence
Supposed to move back tomorrow. But so many obstacles still.
This morning I did something rash-I went over to his place in the morning. I wanted to feel close to him again. It was good to cuddle, while it lasted. After he left, I practiced piano for 2 hours.
But it was after that that I discovered his credit card bills and knowing that I'd find things that would be painful to know, I still went ahead to look. I regretted it. He basically paid for a hotel in end April. I was quite numb actually, and I know that it's happened, not happening anymore. But it still made me call him at his work and went berserk on him which ofcourse freaked him out and I regretted.
And I continue to fume during my hair cut and after that I called him a couple more times, and of course he was windsurfing. He only texted me much later, pleading with me 'tohlong'. I knew I was acting like a crazy person.
After that I still called him and blasted at him again everything and I knew it had to stop. We talked about breaking up and again we said that's not what we want. I told him that what I want was for him to be trying, 200%, not 10%.
I think I'm flogging a dead horse. And by horse I mean myself.
I'm at another piano concert now, nareh Arghamanyan. Hope this distracts me enough to break me out of this hellish cycle.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
This morning I did something rash-I went over to his place in the morning. I wanted to feel close to him again. It was good to cuddle, while it lasted. After he left, I practiced piano for 2 hours.
But it was after that that I discovered his credit card bills and knowing that I'd find things that would be painful to know, I still went ahead to look. I regretted it. He basically paid for a hotel in end April. I was quite numb actually, and I know that it's happened, not happening anymore. But it still made me call him at his work and went berserk on him which ofcourse freaked him out and I regretted.
And I continue to fume during my hair cut and after that I called him a couple more times, and of course he was windsurfing. He only texted me much later, pleading with me 'tohlong'. I knew I was acting like a crazy person.
After that I still called him and blasted at him again everything and I knew it had to stop. We talked about breaking up and again we said that's not what we want. I told him that what I want was for him to be trying, 200%, not 10%.
I think I'm flogging a dead horse. And by horse I mean myself.
I'm at another piano concert now, nareh Arghamanyan. Hope this distracts me enough to break me out of this hellish cycle.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, 17 June 2011
Fatigue
I'm just so tired. So tired of everything that's going on, what I'm expected to accept, of what I'll never have. It's just wearing me down and there's no light.
I need some ray of hope. I need some sign, that I'm supposed to continue down this road. I need something to happen, to change. I can't keep going like this.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I need some ray of hope. I need some sign, that I'm supposed to continue down this road. I need something to happen, to change. I can't keep going like this.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, 16 June 2011
It's over
The concert was great. Conversation after was not.
We went to esplanade and realized, 25min before the start that we were at the wrong venue. Had to rush to the NUS conservatory concert hall and then H insisted he was too hungry and so we went to eat at Fong Seng. Gobbled down Nasi Lemak before rushing back to the venue where we realized that we were too late to catch the first piece. And plus it was the Schubert sonata so we were stuck outside for 15 min.
The rest of the concert was beautiful and technically astounding. But what got me most was the encore Chopin piece. It described exactly what I felt, bittersweet and melancholy.
Afterwards in the car, after much wheedling he confessed that he still cared for SS and he needed more time to flush it out of the system. I told him I can't tolerate that. He said it's almost there. I told him not good enough. And I broke it off.
Later I told him on whatsapp that it's over.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
We went to esplanade and realized, 25min before the start that we were at the wrong venue. Had to rush to the NUS conservatory concert hall and then H insisted he was too hungry and so we went to eat at Fong Seng. Gobbled down Nasi Lemak before rushing back to the venue where we realized that we were too late to catch the first piece. And plus it was the Schubert sonata so we were stuck outside for 15 min.
The rest of the concert was beautiful and technically astounding. But what got me most was the encore Chopin piece. It described exactly what I felt, bittersweet and melancholy.
Afterwards in the car, after much wheedling he confessed that he still cared for SS and he needed more time to flush it out of the system. I told him I can't tolerate that. He said it's almost there. I told him not good enough. And I broke it off.
Later I told him on whatsapp that it's over.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Piano
Playing the piano started as a desire to fulfill my decade old dream to complete the ABRSM grade 8. I managed to do that successfully after a year and a half of hard work. after finishing my exams last September, I continued along as I eventually may want to take the diploma.
But after the discovery of H's affair, piano became an outlet for my pain and devastation. Especially so because I had a piano recital 2 wks after d-day. My teacher asked me to play the moonlight sonata by Beethoven and Clair de Lune by Debussy.
How I looked forward to playing each day shortly after d-day! It was my one time where I could pour out all the ugliness and terrible thoughts and turn them into something terribly beautiful. I think I had a something of a transformation as a musician then, as I played the moonlight over and over until every note resonated with my pain.
I think the one good thing that came out of this event is that my ears and heart got connected. I feel like I can feel the music now. It goes beyond the eardrums and brain- it shimmers and reverberates in my chest. It makes me cry and I can feel it crushingly beautiful and yet terrible and forelorn and yet again giving me strength and certainty that I still have something, I've grasped something real for me.
I'm not even a mediocre pianist and I'm still struggling technically, but now at least I have a deep seated emotion that I feel compelled to convey. I think that is one of the things that I have to be thankful for.
Piano concert tonight, janina fiakowska is playing Chopin and Liszt. Let's see if my heart is still in enough pain to hear the music for it's true worth.
But after the discovery of H's affair, piano became an outlet for my pain and devastation. Especially so because I had a piano recital 2 wks after d-day. My teacher asked me to play the moonlight sonata by Beethoven and Clair de Lune by Debussy.
How I looked forward to playing each day shortly after d-day! It was my one time where I could pour out all the ugliness and terrible thoughts and turn them into something terribly beautiful. I think I had a something of a transformation as a musician then, as I played the moonlight over and over until every note resonated with my pain.
I think the one good thing that came out of this event is that my ears and heart got connected. I feel like I can feel the music now. It goes beyond the eardrums and brain- it shimmers and reverberates in my chest. It makes me cry and I can feel it crushingly beautiful and yet terrible and forelorn and yet again giving me strength and certainty that I still have something, I've grasped something real for me.
I'm not even a mediocre pianist and I'm still struggling technically, but now at least I have a deep seated emotion that I feel compelled to convey. I think that is one of the things that I have to be thankful for.
Piano concert tonight, janina fiakowska is playing Chopin and Liszt. Let's see if my heart is still in enough pain to hear the music for it's true worth.
Destiny
When I was a child we had a coffee mug at home with a picture of a bird painted on it. With the bird there was this common poem:
If you love someone, let him go
If he returns, he is yours
If he does not, he never was
I'm trying to live by it. It's hard and somedays I just want to scream at him to just GIVE HER UP and treasure me! But I know that I want him to want me, for real. And it has to come from deep within him. If it doesn't, then it just wasn't meant to be.
If you love someone, let him go
If he returns, he is yours
If he does not, he never was
I'm trying to live by it. It's hard and somedays I just want to scream at him to just GIVE HER UP and treasure me! But I know that I want him to want me, for real. And it has to come from deep within him. If it doesn't, then it just wasn't meant to be.
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Why cats and dogs
You might wonder why cats and dogs. H always brings up the fact that I like cats and he likes dogs. And the difference somehow explains everything, including why he had the affair.
Ofcourse, SS likes dogs. You know, naturally. He said that she and he are very alike. Or so he thinks. Roughly, both like harmony and don't like confrontations. They both suffer in silence. They think the same way and act the same. It's like he found his soulmate. He used to call me his soulmate too by the way. He still does, for whatever reason.
I think it's super easy to be very agreeable in the beginning of a relationship. They've been having this secret thing going on since - my guess is early march. Afterall, he said that he slept with her for the first time in end march. Thank you, by the way, for doing that just after my birthday and in my birthday month.
It's super easy, as I was saying, to be very alike on SMS and secret rendezvous. Just say you think the same, mimic what each other says, and bingo. For the rest of the meeting up, you're so busy talking about how enthralling you are to him and where is the argument in that?
And what, that makes me the opposite? Confrontational, bitchy, argumentative and likes cats. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
And I'm supposed to be meeting him later for a piano concert. That I invited him to. We are supposed to talk after that. Just where do I park all this resentment.
Ofcourse, SS likes dogs. You know, naturally. He said that she and he are very alike. Or so he thinks. Roughly, both like harmony and don't like confrontations. They both suffer in silence. They think the same way and act the same. It's like he found his soulmate. He used to call me his soulmate too by the way. He still does, for whatever reason.
I think it's super easy to be very agreeable in the beginning of a relationship. They've been having this secret thing going on since - my guess is early march. Afterall, he said that he slept with her for the first time in end march. Thank you, by the way, for doing that just after my birthday and in my birthday month.
It's super easy, as I was saying, to be very alike on SMS and secret rendezvous. Just say you think the same, mimic what each other says, and bingo. For the rest of the meeting up, you're so busy talking about how enthralling you are to him and where is the argument in that?
And what, that makes me the opposite? Confrontational, bitchy, argumentative and likes cats. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
And I'm supposed to be meeting him later for a piano concert. That I invited him to. We are supposed to talk after that. Just where do I park all this resentment.
The aftermath
So what happened after we got back? He was pretty quiet. He didn't know what to say. I asked him why. He said that they were friends and crossed a line. He said that if I could somehow forgive him, he would never do anything to put us through this again.
I asked him to break it off with her, then and there. He was worried that it wasn't convenient for her. He called her after much insistence. He said 'it's me'. I knew then that what they had must have been going on a while. They knew each other by voice. She couldn't talk. They hung up.
I wanted him to leave. He didn't want to. I wanted to leave but he wouldn't let me. He said that he knows he wants to be with me. I was slowly losing my cool. But at the same time, I felt that I was more in control. He would probably beg me for forgiveness and we would be closer than ever.
How silly I was to believe that it would be so simple.
H left and I talked to SJ and she came over. This is the end, she said. There's no way you can think of a future together. You've given enough. Leave him.
I talked to YL. She was measured. She said that I could still have all that I wanted, if I wanted to make it work. She also said that if I decide to work on it, I'd have to have both feet in, fully trusting and committed. It would also be much harder than just leaving.
H came back home, he slept in the guestroom. I went to him and he didn't hug me. He didn't want to talk. He was swallowed up in his own shame and guilt and probably in anguish over losing S. I didn't know then that this would continue for way too long.
I cried myself to sleep asking God over and over that I'd find some strength inside of me to make it through the nightmare.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I asked him to break it off with her, then and there. He was worried that it wasn't convenient for her. He called her after much insistence. He said 'it's me'. I knew then that what they had must have been going on a while. They knew each other by voice. She couldn't talk. They hung up.
I wanted him to leave. He didn't want to. I wanted to leave but he wouldn't let me. He said that he knows he wants to be with me. I was slowly losing my cool. But at the same time, I felt that I was more in control. He would probably beg me for forgiveness and we would be closer than ever.
How silly I was to believe that it would be so simple.
H left and I talked to SJ and she came over. This is the end, she said. There's no way you can think of a future together. You've given enough. Leave him.
I talked to YL. She was measured. She said that I could still have all that I wanted, if I wanted to make it work. She also said that if I decide to work on it, I'd have to have both feet in, fully trusting and committed. It would also be much harder than just leaving.
H came back home, he slept in the guestroom. I went to him and he didn't hug me. He didn't want to talk. He was swallowed up in his own shame and guilt and probably in anguish over losing S. I didn't know then that this would continue for way too long.
I cried myself to sleep asking God over and over that I'd find some strength inside of me to make it through the nightmare.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)