Back to lukewarm

Well apparently she has told him that she's spoken to her bible study leader who advised that she should do the right thing. I suppose that means working things out with her husband.

As for him, he said that he thinks it's good if she can work things out with her husband, but muttered that 'we are supposed to do the right thing, whatever that means' and that he is still not sure what is the right thing.

That pains me. So does he think that he wishes that he could be with her? That that option was the right thing for him? I earlier thought that this thing with her was just a sideline and that he would never want to leave me but that view has been completely smashed over the last week. It seems that he has more feelings for her than expected. And what's worse, that he probably feels more romantic feelings for her than for me. His head chooses me, his heart chooses her. This is really sickening.

How can our relationship have meant so little that he could have fallen for someone else so quickly and intensively? It's such a mess right now. I feel differently every hour on what I want to do. As soon as I decide to let him go, I want him again and once I start to feel all positive again, he starts to go in flux and I feel like it's not worth all this torture. But everytime I decide to cut him off, I feel so much pain and I can't completely do it.

And each day we are still talking about the house as though we are still going to be happily living there as a couple. I really truly wish that none of this happened because it should be the best time of my life. I feel really cheated of happiness that I had been looking forward to for so long. And I put in so much effort this past 5 years and tolerated so much and at this final stage, he's pulled the rug from under me. I just feel so frustrated that I have to go through this. I'm a good person, a great girlfriend, hard worker, well liked by friends. I should be having a wonderful life. I should have a great husband, 2 kids by now, and all the stability and harmony and love at home. Instead I find myself in a place where the one person that I've trusted with my future has betrayed me and continues to betray me. His feelings and desire are somewhere else and he's prepared to give me up for it. He's deceived me, lied repeatedly to my face and sneaked around behind my back while continuing our preparations for the house and marriage. In what sick universe does this have to happen????




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