The aftermath

So what happened after we got back? He was pretty quiet. He didn't know what to say. I asked him why. He said that they were friends and crossed a line. He said that if I could somehow forgive him, he would never do anything to put us through this again.

I asked him to break it off with her, then and there. He was worried that it wasn't convenient for her. He called her after much insistence. He said 'it's me'. I knew then that what they had must have been going on a while. They knew each other by voice. She couldn't talk. They hung up.

I wanted him to leave. He didn't want to. I wanted to leave but he wouldn't let me. He said that he knows he wants to be with me. I was slowly losing my cool. But at the same time, I felt that I was more in control. He would probably beg me for forgiveness and we would be closer than ever.

How silly I was to believe that it would be so simple.

H left and I talked to SJ and she came over. This is the end, she said. There's no way you can think of a future together. You've given enough. Leave him.

I talked to YL. She was measured. She said that I could still have all that I wanted, if I wanted to make it work. She also said that if I decide to work on it, I'd have to have both feet in, fully trusting and committed. It would also be much harder than just leaving.

H came back home, he slept in the guestroom. I went to him and he didn't hug me. He didn't want to talk. He was swallowed up in his own shame and guilt and probably in anguish over losing S. I didn't know then that this would continue for way too long.

I cried myself to sleep asking God over and over that I'd find some strength inside of me to make it through the nightmare.


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