Can't do this

I really really can't do this anymore. He keeps changing his mind and he just can't commit to us. He says he isn't sure that he can love me the way I deserve. That's just a real snarky way to say that he doesn't love me enough.

I think we are really on the break up track now and I keep thinking I should initiate it instead of him.

I also feel crushed that he is probably doing this because of S. Even though he says it's separate, it's the most likely reason right?

I think I'm just about done with all this jerking around and I know I deserve so much better. Why can't I just let go?


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Sweeter days

Yesterday we spent most of our time together again, except for a few hours when he went windsurfing. I bought the book Fall in love, Stay in love by Dr Harley and again I realized how much I was doing to destroy the love we had with my negativity, my disagreements and angry outbursts. It doesn't excuse what H did to me but it helped me understand why he went elsewhere to get his emotional needs met.

So I did a lot of laundry, packed up the house a little and when he came home, he was indeed happy to find out that I've done a bit for the house.

When I told him I bought the book and that there is a questionnaire on his needs, he said that he should take it as well. Which he did after dinner out and it apparently made him realize that I have been fulfilling most of his needs and that things were not that bad. Then I think it made him question himself as to why he had the affair in the first place.

Then we watched glee, and went to bed and had a really great bedroom time because for the first time since I moved back, He took as much initiative as me in getting into it. I thought it showed that his feelings may be returning.

This morning I asked him how he felt and he had this really perplexed look and said that he was feeling discomfort that he couldn't really remember why he had felt there was something wrong or missing in our relationship. He felt that things are good again but was worried that it was not real.

Then this morning on whatsapp we exchanged our thoughts about each other and I realized that I hadn't been complimenting him for a long time. I told him all the positive things that I know of him and he responded with enthusiasm. I think he was just waiting for endorsement from me- to know that I think he is great. That could have been one of the things he really needed and was seeking.

He also used the words entangled and that he played with fire and that he was choking and sinking because of what he did. I hope it kind of means that he views the affair as something external to us, and that at the core it is still him and me.

Last night

Yesterday was an emotional one. I was with him the whole day except while he was windsurfing and I did tell him that if he can't give me the love I deserve, he should set me free.

We talked about it somemore before and after dinner, and after we watched Super 8. At home after showering and lying next to each other, we both felt the reality of the pain in leaving each other. He told me that he was frightened of life without me. And then he started sobbing and we both cried for a long long time, just holding each other.

Then we slept. This morning we talked a little more and recognized that it would be very very painful to break up. Actually we talked the whole day. He showed me the whatsapp conversation with her (after some coaxing) which showed that she was messaging him quite a lot. His reply has so far been quite sporadic. But her messages were long as well. He said that she's frustrated that he's being lukewarm. I think it's a good sign, as it means that she's getting more desperate and she's acting more like the imbalanced person than me! And in the websites that I've read, the affairs go through stages and towards the end, when it becomes more trouble than it's worth, then the end is nigh. But in H's case, the main problem seems to be that he feels immense guilt that her husband wants to divorce her and that seems to be the main problem.

But I also know that he still feels romantic feelings for her and that is also the obstacle between us.

Lord I pray and hope that his feelings for her will wane and that he will fall back in love with me. I pray that she and her husband can work things out and will decide to stay together.


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Window and wine

We had dinner with his friends last night and I had quite a bit of wine. Instead of making me happy it made me quite sad and I found myself later at home crying for the first time in maybe 2 weeks. While he showered and as I was crying, I happened to see the window and in my wine haze it occurred to me that it was indeed less frightening to think about suicide when you're drunk. Made sense.

I decided to see what it would feel like to stand at the window. I opened it and yes it was large enough for me. Given the weight of my head, just bending over the window and leaning out would do the job.

But I wasn't going to do it. I knew that I'd considered everything and I wouldn't be able to do it to my parents. I just wanted to see how I would feel if I went to the window.

Then H came out of the shower, saw me and probably got a big fright. I recall him saying no one should have to deserve this and then I went to shower and I slept immediately. I woke up with a headache. But for the first time since d-day, he held my hand in the car.

But is pity love going to be good enough for me? As my friend said, is he really thinking that he would really like to be with her but her long drawn out divorce putting him off, and with me being the very obliging girlfriend giving him a safety net? Maybe since we are not married, I shouldn't be applying marriage principles- maybe I shouldn't have to be positive and pleasant and nice.

Maybe I really should be pushing him away and letting him chase me.

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Compartments

I feel like I've compressed all my pain and indignance and resentment and devastation and worthlessness and misery all into one very small room in my house. I've tried to fill the rest of the house with a loving peaceful and healing identity. I try to fill it to the brim with positive thoughts, hope, optimism, faith, and a desire to overcome this. And I keep the door to the first room locked tight. I try not to think about this room. I try to forget that there is such a place in my house.

But once or twice a day I open the door a crack, just to see whether the things in there have somehow changed or disappeared or died. Then I get an awful shock that they are still there in full force, they consume me and they start to seep into the rest of my rooms, extinguishing the light. And I quickly scramble to contain them in the room again and lock it tight.

And everyday, i try to make the room smaller and smaller, compressing it into an even smaller corner of my house. It's a very tightly controlled process.

I told him again that he needs to let go of her completely. He says that it's hard to let go of the friendship. I tell him that it's not a friendship anymore and it continues to pain me when he keeps that 'friendship' around. The very fact that he is willing to prolong the pain to me, even after the original pain inflicted, is enough for me to open the door to the room wide open and let the despair flood the house. But I don't. I don't dare to because I don't think I can close it all back in once I do. And once I take that step, it will be all over.

I told him how illogical he is acting, to how resistant he is to letting go of this thing that is harmful to all involved. But he just can't see it. I wish to God that the fog will lift soon.


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Day 5

After I came home from drinks with friend last night, and when we were trying to sleep, she messaged again. Apparently it was that her husband was asking her for details incessantly. But this was at 230am on a weekday night. So I can tell that she's feeling pretty desperate.

At first he told me it was his friend J. I didn't believe him and I asked him nicely that if it's her, it's ok. And we should be able to be honest with each other. He admitted that it was her but that he had not been replying to her messages. I told myself that even if I wanted to argue about this, I should probably not do it at 3 in the morning. So for the first time since this whole thing happened, I could calm my feelings with reason. Progress I suppose.

This morning I told him very calmly and pleasantly that if he really cannot cut all communications with her, it's doomed to fail so I will have to ask him to move out. He understands and I presented him the option of making it clear to her that he cannot keep in contact, or to block her on his whatsapp so that he won't see her SMSes. I think he's mulling over that.

Thinking it over, smsing him at 3 in the morning is definitely not considerate behaviour so perhaps her unhappiness and true character is now coming through. I think it really helps him too that I am so nice and calm and pleasant at home. There is nothing to complain about to her anymore you see. I would recommend this sort of behavior for anyone struggling with a husband having an affair.

Mind over matter! It can be done.


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Friend

I met up with a friend yesterday who is unfortunately going through a painful time in his marriage. It made me really think that things could be a lot worse for me.

We could already be married with children. It could have been an affair that's lasted for 2 years or even longer. If I didn't find out, we might hv gotten married and I would have discovered it later. She could have gotten pregnant. I might have caught them in bed together. He may have left me right away for her. He may have passed me an STD.

I guess it's good to count my blessings.


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