We had dinner with his friends last night and I had quite a bit of wine. Instead of making me happy it made me quite sad and I found myself later at home crying for the first time in maybe 2 weeks. While he showered and as I was crying, I happened to see the window and in my wine haze it occurred to me that it was indeed less frightening to think about suicide when you're drunk. Made sense.
I decided to see what it would feel like to stand at the window. I opened it and yes it was large enough for me. Given the weight of my head, just bending over the window and leaning out would do the job.
But I wasn't going to do it. I knew that I'd considered everything and I wouldn't be able to do it to my parents. I just wanted to see how I would feel if I went to the window.
Then H came out of the shower, saw me and probably got a big fright. I recall him saying no one should have to deserve this and then I went to shower and I slept immediately. I woke up with a headache. But for the first time since d-day, he held my hand in the car.
But is pity love going to be good enough for me? As my friend said, is he really thinking that he would really like to be with her but her long drawn out divorce putting him off, and with me being the very obliging girlfriend giving him a safety net? Maybe since we are not married, I shouldn't be applying marriage principles- maybe I shouldn't have to be positive and pleasant and nice.
Maybe I really should be pushing him away and letting him chase me.
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Showing posts with label despair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label despair. Show all posts
Friday, 24 June 2011
Compartments
I feel like I've compressed all my pain and indignance and resentment and devastation and worthlessness and misery all into one very small room in my house. I've tried to fill the rest of the house with a loving peaceful and healing identity. I try to fill it to the brim with positive thoughts, hope, optimism, faith, and a desire to overcome this. And I keep the door to the first room locked tight. I try not to think about this room. I try to forget that there is such a place in my house.
But once or twice a day I open the door a crack, just to see whether the things in there have somehow changed or disappeared or died. Then I get an awful shock that they are still there in full force, they consume me and they start to seep into the rest of my rooms, extinguishing the light. And I quickly scramble to contain them in the room again and lock it tight.
And everyday, i try to make the room smaller and smaller, compressing it into an even smaller corner of my house. It's a very tightly controlled process.
I told him again that he needs to let go of her completely. He says that it's hard to let go of the friendship. I tell him that it's not a friendship anymore and it continues to pain me when he keeps that 'friendship' around. The very fact that he is willing to prolong the pain to me, even after the original pain inflicted, is enough for me to open the door to the room wide open and let the despair flood the house. But I don't. I don't dare to because I don't think I can close it all back in once I do. And once I take that step, it will be all over.
I told him how illogical he is acting, to how resistant he is to letting go of this thing that is harmful to all involved. But he just can't see it. I wish to God that the fog will lift soon.
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But once or twice a day I open the door a crack, just to see whether the things in there have somehow changed or disappeared or died. Then I get an awful shock that they are still there in full force, they consume me and they start to seep into the rest of my rooms, extinguishing the light. And I quickly scramble to contain them in the room again and lock it tight.
And everyday, i try to make the room smaller and smaller, compressing it into an even smaller corner of my house. It's a very tightly controlled process.
I told him again that he needs to let go of her completely. He says that it's hard to let go of the friendship. I tell him that it's not a friendship anymore and it continues to pain me when he keeps that 'friendship' around. The very fact that he is willing to prolong the pain to me, even after the original pain inflicted, is enough for me to open the door to the room wide open and let the despair flood the house. But I don't. I don't dare to because I don't think I can close it all back in once I do. And once I take that step, it will be all over.
I told him how illogical he is acting, to how resistant he is to letting go of this thing that is harmful to all involved. But he just can't see it. I wish to God that the fog will lift soon.
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Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Day 4 and crisis
Seems that it doesn't just rain on what little I have, it storms.
Yesterday we were enjoying dinner, being positive and pleasant and all of that, when H got a call from a friend that basically told him that his clinic may be involved in investigations related to some other person's case. It's really unfortunate because it's the one thing that he's been afraid of all these years and now, because of someone else's problems, he has to get involved.
Worse still because now he won't be in the right state of mind for settling our problems, out relationship and our future. The past few times this kind of thing happened, it's always been me that's put on the backburner. Eg our wedding, proposals, moving in, etc. Now that there is the further complication of his feelings for this other person, I really lost all hope that I will ever get all his feelings back. Ive lost hope of ever achieving the dream of him, coming out of the fog and where it hits him on the head that he wants to be with me, unequivocally. That he cannot and does not want to live without me.
And to make matters worse, after that I asked him whether he told her about his problems with the medical board and he said he did. And I lost it completely, I smacked his arm and used the pillow to hit the bed over and over while saying What he did is unbelievable and crying. He of course hates violence and I know this but I really just couldn't help it. I just erupted.
After that we each said sorry but I just feel a sense of absolute despair and that I don't know why I'm putting myself through all this. After putting me through every sort of stress imagineable and me helping and supporting him through every time, he shares with her the issues and presumably getting a lot of comfort and support as well. What does that make me? I'm the one who has to do the heavy lifting and I get absolutely no recognition or respect at all. Instead, she reaps all the benefits. Does that seem fair to you??
I just don't know anymore and maybe I should start worrying about myself and stop sacrificing my dreams and wishes since no one here is looking out or my welfare.
Yesterday we were enjoying dinner, being positive and pleasant and all of that, when H got a call from a friend that basically told him that his clinic may be involved in investigations related to some other person's case. It's really unfortunate because it's the one thing that he's been afraid of all these years and now, because of someone else's problems, he has to get involved.
Worse still because now he won't be in the right state of mind for settling our problems, out relationship and our future. The past few times this kind of thing happened, it's always been me that's put on the backburner. Eg our wedding, proposals, moving in, etc. Now that there is the further complication of his feelings for this other person, I really lost all hope that I will ever get all his feelings back. Ive lost hope of ever achieving the dream of him, coming out of the fog and where it hits him on the head that he wants to be with me, unequivocally. That he cannot and does not want to live without me.
And to make matters worse, after that I asked him whether he told her about his problems with the medical board and he said he did. And I lost it completely, I smacked his arm and used the pillow to hit the bed over and over while saying What he did is unbelievable and crying. He of course hates violence and I know this but I really just couldn't help it. I just erupted.
After that we each said sorry but I just feel a sense of absolute despair and that I don't know why I'm putting myself through all this. After putting me through every sort of stress imagineable and me helping and supporting him through every time, he shares with her the issues and presumably getting a lot of comfort and support as well. What does that make me? I'm the one who has to do the heavy lifting and I get absolutely no recognition or respect at all. Instead, she reaps all the benefits. Does that seem fair to you??
I just don't know anymore and maybe I should start worrying about myself and stop sacrificing my dreams and wishes since no one here is looking out or my welfare.
Monday, 20 June 2011
Anger
We were having a nice morning before I left for work, but it was ruined when I started asking questions about how he was feeling. I think I definitely did not charge neutral. Nothing new came out of the conversation only that he thinks I'm too sure and confident about my statements, when in reality I am just trying very hard to keep positive.
I think he would prefer it if I were sad and upset and needy, instead of saying that I can move on without you.
The other pt that I got upset about is how he says that they were friends for a few months before they fell for each other. It really makes me sick. So what right?? Tons of people start relationships as friends first, so what's the big deal? And so what if we got together after a week, does that mean the last 5 years is inferior and less special than what you have with her? It's ridiculous, bordering preposterous. I just don't know how to communicate this and i think if I come out and say it it will come out all wrong.
This is sick sick sick sickening. I hate it, I wish I can just leave and be happy and not have to subject myself to this painful situation.
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I think he would prefer it if I were sad and upset and needy, instead of saying that I can move on without you.
The other pt that I got upset about is how he says that they were friends for a few months before they fell for each other. It really makes me sick. So what right?? Tons of people start relationships as friends first, so what's the big deal? And so what if we got together after a week, does that mean the last 5 years is inferior and less special than what you have with her? It's ridiculous, bordering preposterous. I just don't know how to communicate this and i think if I come out and say it it will come out all wrong.
This is sick sick sick sickening. I hate it, I wish I can just leave and be happy and not have to subject myself to this painful situation.
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Delayed decision
The house is weighing on my mind-we were to sign the form with lawyers to send it back to SLA this week. But to decide on getting married under this circumstance feels really wrong. At least, when we do decide to go ahead, I want him to be very sure, and I want his feelings to be 100% with me. Not this current scenario where I think he fluctuates from 50-50 to maybe 80-20. As in, on good days he is 80% sure and on bad days, he is 50% wishing that he doesn't have to lose her.
Yesterday in the car he also admitted that he 'fell' for her and he doesn't fall for people easily. That hurt me and remembering it also gives me much pain. How does someone just fall for someone else when you're supposed to marry me? How can I even consider marriage when he fell for someone else? How can he consider marrying me now when he's fallen for someone else? How can I live on knowing that he had fallen for someone else and he's not in love with me?? This brings up fresh wounds.
I don't know why I have to go through this. Is this a punishment for what I did to my ex husband? It's what I deserve? Is it to teach me a lesson or to make me stronger? He wants me to grasp something much better than I had ever conceived
This pain is very raw and difficult to accept. On one hand it's good that he is honest. But on the other hand I wish he would understand and feel the amount of pain that his words inflict on me.
How should I deal with my heart breaking? If there is a change of heart in a relationship, you can end it and move on. To have to continue when the feelings have moved onto someone else makes me feel worthless, desperate, miserable and like I really really wish things were different. And somewhere deep there's still the belief that I deserve something better than this. I deserve to have a love that is pure and undiluted. A passionate and loyal kind of love where there shouldn't have to be this kind of compromise. Like when carrie left the russian in Paris.
Will H be able to eventually give me that kind of love? I hope so but at the same time I'm fearful of the stacking up of odds against this fluffy dream ever materializing.
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Yesterday in the car he also admitted that he 'fell' for her and he doesn't fall for people easily. That hurt me and remembering it also gives me much pain. How does someone just fall for someone else when you're supposed to marry me? How can I even consider marriage when he fell for someone else? How can he consider marrying me now when he's fallen for someone else? How can I live on knowing that he had fallen for someone else and he's not in love with me?? This brings up fresh wounds.
I don't know why I have to go through this. Is this a punishment for what I did to my ex husband? It's what I deserve? Is it to teach me a lesson or to make me stronger? He wants me to grasp something much better than I had ever conceived
This pain is very raw and difficult to accept. On one hand it's good that he is honest. But on the other hand I wish he would understand and feel the amount of pain that his words inflict on me.
How should I deal with my heart breaking? If there is a change of heart in a relationship, you can end it and move on. To have to continue when the feelings have moved onto someone else makes me feel worthless, desperate, miserable and like I really really wish things were different. And somewhere deep there's still the belief that I deserve something better than this. I deserve to have a love that is pure and undiluted. A passionate and loyal kind of love where there shouldn't have to be this kind of compromise. Like when carrie left the russian in Paris.
Will H be able to eventually give me that kind of love? I hope so but at the same time I'm fearful of the stacking up of odds against this fluffy dream ever materializing.
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Saturday, 18 June 2011
Turbulence
Supposed to move back tomorrow. But so many obstacles still.
This morning I did something rash-I went over to his place in the morning. I wanted to feel close to him again. It was good to cuddle, while it lasted. After he left, I practiced piano for 2 hours.
But it was after that that I discovered his credit card bills and knowing that I'd find things that would be painful to know, I still went ahead to look. I regretted it. He basically paid for a hotel in end April. I was quite numb actually, and I know that it's happened, not happening anymore. But it still made me call him at his work and went berserk on him which ofcourse freaked him out and I regretted.
And I continue to fume during my hair cut and after that I called him a couple more times, and of course he was windsurfing. He only texted me much later, pleading with me 'tohlong'. I knew I was acting like a crazy person.
After that I still called him and blasted at him again everything and I knew it had to stop. We talked about breaking up and again we said that's not what we want. I told him that what I want was for him to be trying, 200%, not 10%.
I think I'm flogging a dead horse. And by horse I mean myself.
I'm at another piano concert now, nareh Arghamanyan. Hope this distracts me enough to break me out of this hellish cycle.
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This morning I did something rash-I went over to his place in the morning. I wanted to feel close to him again. It was good to cuddle, while it lasted. After he left, I practiced piano for 2 hours.
But it was after that that I discovered his credit card bills and knowing that I'd find things that would be painful to know, I still went ahead to look. I regretted it. He basically paid for a hotel in end April. I was quite numb actually, and I know that it's happened, not happening anymore. But it still made me call him at his work and went berserk on him which ofcourse freaked him out and I regretted.
And I continue to fume during my hair cut and after that I called him a couple more times, and of course he was windsurfing. He only texted me much later, pleading with me 'tohlong'. I knew I was acting like a crazy person.
After that I still called him and blasted at him again everything and I knew it had to stop. We talked about breaking up and again we said that's not what we want. I told him that what I want was for him to be trying, 200%, not 10%.
I think I'm flogging a dead horse. And by horse I mean myself.
I'm at another piano concert now, nareh Arghamanyan. Hope this distracts me enough to break me out of this hellish cycle.
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Friday, 17 June 2011
Fatigue
I'm just so tired. So tired of everything that's going on, what I'm expected to accept, of what I'll never have. It's just wearing me down and there's no light.
I need some ray of hope. I need some sign, that I'm supposed to continue down this road. I need something to happen, to change. I can't keep going like this.
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I need some ray of hope. I need some sign, that I'm supposed to continue down this road. I need something to happen, to change. I can't keep going like this.
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Thursday, 16 June 2011
It's not over yet
After last night when I told him it's over, I accidentally and out of spite, told my mom that it was because he liked another person. I didn't expect how strong her reaction would be. She said that he's not worth it if he could do that to me before marriage. And she can't believe how stupid he could be if he could do that after all the commitments we have made, that our family has made, towards our new houses.
I called him and he was upset that I told my mom. That it was the point of no return, that we can't move forward now because he wouldn't know how to relate to my parents after they know what happened.
I told him that I need to move back and we both commit to making this work, or nothing at all. He agreed that I should move back. But I feel like I forced his hand- originally I wanted to move back only when he decided and when he says he wants me to move back.
This is the same thing all over again- he waiting for others to make the decision. I don't want that, but at the same time I think realistically, things won't happen if I don't make things happen. I hate this feeling.
He also said last night that he imagines that SS still wants to be with him. And when I say that he should be with her if that's what he wants, then he would say that that's not what he wants. He says that his feelings are dying down but it needs just a bit more time. I can't stand this.
Should I move back this weekend as planned or should I wait? I have no one to help me decide. Lord, pls guide me!
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I called him and he was upset that I told my mom. That it was the point of no return, that we can't move forward now because he wouldn't know how to relate to my parents after they know what happened.
I told him that I need to move back and we both commit to making this work, or nothing at all. He agreed that I should move back. But I feel like I forced his hand- originally I wanted to move back only when he decided and when he says he wants me to move back.
This is the same thing all over again- he waiting for others to make the decision. I don't want that, but at the same time I think realistically, things won't happen if I don't make things happen. I hate this feeling.
He also said last night that he imagines that SS still wants to be with him. And when I say that he should be with her if that's what he wants, then he would say that that's not what he wants. He says that his feelings are dying down but it needs just a bit more time. I can't stand this.
Should I move back this weekend as planned or should I wait? I have no one to help me decide. Lord, pls guide me!
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It's over
The concert was great. Conversation after was not.
We went to esplanade and realized, 25min before the start that we were at the wrong venue. Had to rush to the NUS conservatory concert hall and then H insisted he was too hungry and so we went to eat at Fong Seng. Gobbled down Nasi Lemak before rushing back to the venue where we realized that we were too late to catch the first piece. And plus it was the Schubert sonata so we were stuck outside for 15 min.
The rest of the concert was beautiful and technically astounding. But what got me most was the encore Chopin piece. It described exactly what I felt, bittersweet and melancholy.
Afterwards in the car, after much wheedling he confessed that he still cared for SS and he needed more time to flush it out of the system. I told him I can't tolerate that. He said it's almost there. I told him not good enough. And I broke it off.
Later I told him on whatsapp that it's over.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
We went to esplanade and realized, 25min before the start that we were at the wrong venue. Had to rush to the NUS conservatory concert hall and then H insisted he was too hungry and so we went to eat at Fong Seng. Gobbled down Nasi Lemak before rushing back to the venue where we realized that we were too late to catch the first piece. And plus it was the Schubert sonata so we were stuck outside for 15 min.
The rest of the concert was beautiful and technically astounding. But what got me most was the encore Chopin piece. It described exactly what I felt, bittersweet and melancholy.
Afterwards in the car, after much wheedling he confessed that he still cared for SS and he needed more time to flush it out of the system. I told him I can't tolerate that. He said it's almost there. I told him not good enough. And I broke it off.
Later I told him on whatsapp that it's over.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
glimpses of her
So i spoke to him last night at length - and I know I've hurt myself and him all over again. But the small silver lining is that he didn't tell her that he was getting registered for marriage - it means that he and she was not that authentically close after all. It means that to some extent, she was also in the dark about his real intentions and feelings.
When I asked him whether they spoke about their future together, and whether he ever thought about what they can be in the longer term - he said that they didn't talk about it and he didn't think about it either. How irresponsible! and to add salt, he said that she said that she will never pressure him to do anything. How seemingly altruistic. I remember saying those exact words to him when we were first going out too.
Every day i'm going from 'yes I can do this and make this happen and we can still live happily ever after' to 'no way this is not going to work ever, and I need to punish him so severely that he will never hurt another in this way again'. it's still a mix of feelings.
He also said that I'm slimmer and prettier than her. and younger. I mean seriously, WHY??? why did you do it then. Is it her personality that is different? she's kinder, sweeter, more gentle, calm, and more compatible with yours? and in the back of my head, i'm thinking that if you were to wait for her to divorce her husband, she's gonna be like 38 or 39 and by the time you marry her, you'll both be 40. Is that really a realistic thing to do???
I can't believe I started a blog on this but i have no other place to put my thoughts down.
When I asked him whether they spoke about their future together, and whether he ever thought about what they can be in the longer term - he said that they didn't talk about it and he didn't think about it either. How irresponsible! and to add salt, he said that she said that she will never pressure him to do anything. How seemingly altruistic. I remember saying those exact words to him when we were first going out too.
Every day i'm going from 'yes I can do this and make this happen and we can still live happily ever after' to 'no way this is not going to work ever, and I need to punish him so severely that he will never hurt another in this way again'. it's still a mix of feelings.
He also said that I'm slimmer and prettier than her. and younger. I mean seriously, WHY??? why did you do it then. Is it her personality that is different? she's kinder, sweeter, more gentle, calm, and more compatible with yours? and in the back of my head, i'm thinking that if you were to wait for her to divorce her husband, she's gonna be like 38 or 39 and by the time you marry her, you'll both be 40. Is that really a realistic thing to do???
I can't believe I started a blog on this but i have no other place to put my thoughts down.
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