I'm still in limbo. Officially my ex and I are over but he keeps texting me and asking me to go for breakfast and such. He also asks me for advice on work and I go help him still.
With the new guy, things are still pretty sweet. We go for concerts, movies, meals, and he would sometimes come sleep over at my place.
I'm torn- I want a new life with the new guy but it's not serious yet. I want to break away from my ex but he still cares for me and I feel like we have too much invested to cut off completely. If only my new guy would commit, I would gladly cut off my ex, even though it's painful. But since he's not really committing to a future, i'm scared to let go of my past.
I'm in between two places and can't seem to move.
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Saturday 3 September 2011
Friday 26 August 2011
Recap
Ok I think I need to plug the information gap. From being hung up over my ex who cheated on me, to where I am now which is my ex is begging me to come back to him and there's a new guy in the picture.
Well I went out a couple of times with the new guy. He was oh so sweet and loving and seemingly had no commitment issues whatsoever. He would say things that would melt a girls heart like he fantasizes about having me as his wife, he wants me forever, he's always planning our next and next next meetings together and he would be dying to spend time with me.
It was just so refreshing. And such a change from the dark blackness I was in at that time in June. If you recall, it was when my ex was ambivalent about us, and he wasn't sure whether we were meant to be together. And I slowly let the new guy into my heart and that was it really. I broke it off with my ex and although we were still living together, i was emotionally free.
Very quickly things with the neq guy got serious and I was seeing him everyday, and I even went away overnight, and even on a short holiday overseas. We had a fantastic time. All this while I didn't tell my ex what was happening. I also asked him to move back home.
It's been 3 wks since he moved out and I have mixed feelings. For one, the new guy after we came back from the major holiday, decided to end things with his wife. But, he felt so burned from the experience that he told me that he's not sure what future we would have. He basically was just not prepared to make any promises.
And on the other side, my ex was now repentant, apologetic, and begging me to get back with him. He had ended things with the girl or so he claimed and he realized he loved me. He was everything that I had wanted, 3months too late.
So now...I see the new guy maybe 3 times a week and it's sweet and all, but his lack of commitment and the no future comment kind of dialed down my passion for him a little.
With my ex, we talk daily on whatsapp but nothing that really changes things. I still care for him. I just don't know if I want a future with him.
So there you go - two guys, no future.
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Well I went out a couple of times with the new guy. He was oh so sweet and loving and seemingly had no commitment issues whatsoever. He would say things that would melt a girls heart like he fantasizes about having me as his wife, he wants me forever, he's always planning our next and next next meetings together and he would be dying to spend time with me.
It was just so refreshing. And such a change from the dark blackness I was in at that time in June. If you recall, it was when my ex was ambivalent about us, and he wasn't sure whether we were meant to be together. And I slowly let the new guy into my heart and that was it really. I broke it off with my ex and although we were still living together, i was emotionally free.
Very quickly things with the neq guy got serious and I was seeing him everyday, and I even went away overnight, and even on a short holiday overseas. We had a fantastic time. All this while I didn't tell my ex what was happening. I also asked him to move back home.
It's been 3 wks since he moved out and I have mixed feelings. For one, the new guy after we came back from the major holiday, decided to end things with his wife. But, he felt so burned from the experience that he told me that he's not sure what future we would have. He basically was just not prepared to make any promises.
And on the other side, my ex was now repentant, apologetic, and begging me to get back with him. He had ended things with the girl or so he claimed and he realized he loved me. He was everything that I had wanted, 3months too late.
So now...I see the new guy maybe 3 times a week and it's sweet and all, but his lack of commitment and the no future comment kind of dialed down my passion for him a little.
With my ex, we talk daily on whatsapp but nothing that really changes things. I still care for him. I just don't know if I want a future with him.
So there you go - two guys, no future.
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Why so angry
I'm confused. The married guy is so sweet in person, so tender and loving. But when he gets angry and he tells me about stuff he's angry about on whatsapp, he really sounds harsh. Using words like 'fucking fools' or 'fucking idiot' etc. I'm not used to this kind of language.
But in real life when I'm with him, I don't think he says it in the harsh tone that I would imagine, over whatsapp. Or am I just making excuses?
He still hasn't called the divorce lawyer..he says he will call soon. I have a bad feeling that this will be a recurrent theme in our drama.
My ex is still upset and he wants to get back together. He also has other problems at work and he plays victim - he says his life is falling apart and everything is going wrong. I tell him to roll with it, and things will eventually get better.
I think my life is a mess. I wish I was one of those housewives who have 2 kids and a stable husband who works and comes home and on weekends we go out as a family even if a tad boring. I just really really want kids right now.
I'm watching the sex and the city dvds now and I realise that when I first started watching them I was 29 and now five years later, I'm the same age as the girls in the series. Growing older is depressing.
But in real life when I'm with him, I don't think he says it in the harsh tone that I would imagine, over whatsapp. Or am I just making excuses?
He still hasn't called the divorce lawyer..he says he will call soon. I have a bad feeling that this will be a recurrent theme in our drama.
My ex is still upset and he wants to get back together. He also has other problems at work and he plays victim - he says his life is falling apart and everything is going wrong. I tell him to roll with it, and things will eventually get better.
I think my life is a mess. I wish I was one of those housewives who have 2 kids and a stable husband who works and comes home and on weekends we go out as a family even if a tad boring. I just really really want kids right now.
I'm watching the sex and the city dvds now and I realise that when I first started watching them I was 29 and now five years later, I'm the same age as the girls in the series. Growing older is depressing.
Sunday 21 August 2011
More confused than ever
I'm back. Things with my ex is still murky, and there's now another man in the picture - worse still, he's still married. Even though he is going to get a divorce, he has a daughter and I think that's not good.
But on the bright side, I'm no longer emotionally dependent on my ex and I feel that I can make a more objective decision...but the thing is, I'm now more emotionally attached to the married guy. And I don't think I can happily go back to my ex now, since my feelings are no longer there.
The married guy is great...when I get to see him. He's sweet, dedicated, sensitive, great in bed, and we're old classmates from school so we're familiar and comfortable with each other. But, he's still most concerned about his daughter's wellbeing, which I perfectly understand.
I wish my life was different.
But on the bright side, I'm no longer emotionally dependent on my ex and I feel that I can make a more objective decision...but the thing is, I'm now more emotionally attached to the married guy. And I don't think I can happily go back to my ex now, since my feelings are no longer there.
The married guy is great...when I get to see him. He's sweet, dedicated, sensitive, great in bed, and we're old classmates from school so we're familiar and comfortable with each other. But, he's still most concerned about his daughter's wellbeing, which I perfectly understand.
I wish my life was different.
Friday 1 July 2011
My own feelings
I feel that I'm changing- I may not q so strongly about him after all. I think I can slowly erase the feelings that have kept me trapped here. And with less feelings, I definitely feel less pain.
Less pain is good. I think meeting new people and finding new ways to rediscover what I'm really worth, will help me see clearer.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Less pain is good. I think meeting new people and finding new ways to rediscover what I'm really worth, will help me see clearer.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday 28 June 2011
Back to lukewarm
Well apparently she has told him that she's spoken to her bible study leader who advised that she should do the right thing. I suppose that means working things out with her husband.
As for him, he said that he thinks it's good if she can work things out with her husband, but muttered that 'we are supposed to do the right thing, whatever that means' and that he is still not sure what is the right thing.
That pains me. So does he think that he wishes that he could be with her? That that option was the right thing for him? I earlier thought that this thing with her was just a sideline and that he would never want to leave me but that view has been completely smashed over the last week. It seems that he has more feelings for her than expected. And what's worse, that he probably feels more romantic feelings for her than for me. His head chooses me, his heart chooses her. This is really sickening.
How can our relationship have meant so little that he could have fallen for someone else so quickly and intensively? It's such a mess right now. I feel differently every hour on what I want to do. As soon as I decide to let him go, I want him again and once I start to feel all positive again, he starts to go in flux and I feel like it's not worth all this torture. But everytime I decide to cut him off, I feel so much pain and I can't completely do it.
And each day we are still talking about the house as though we are still going to be happily living there as a couple. I really truly wish that none of this happened because it should be the best time of my life. I feel really cheated of happiness that I had been looking forward to for so long. And I put in so much effort this past 5 years and tolerated so much and at this final stage, he's pulled the rug from under me. I just feel so frustrated that I have to go through this. I'm a good person, a great girlfriend, hard worker, well liked by friends. I should be having a wonderful life. I should have a great husband, 2 kids by now, and all the stability and harmony and love at home. Instead I find myself in a place where the one person that I've trusted with my future has betrayed me and continues to betray me. His feelings and desire are somewhere else and he's prepared to give me up for it. He's deceived me, lied repeatedly to my face and sneaked around behind my back while continuing our preparations for the house and marriage. In what sick universe does this have to happen????
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As for him, he said that he thinks it's good if she can work things out with her husband, but muttered that 'we are supposed to do the right thing, whatever that means' and that he is still not sure what is the right thing.
That pains me. So does he think that he wishes that he could be with her? That that option was the right thing for him? I earlier thought that this thing with her was just a sideline and that he would never want to leave me but that view has been completely smashed over the last week. It seems that he has more feelings for her than expected. And what's worse, that he probably feels more romantic feelings for her than for me. His head chooses me, his heart chooses her. This is really sickening.
How can our relationship have meant so little that he could have fallen for someone else so quickly and intensively? It's such a mess right now. I feel differently every hour on what I want to do. As soon as I decide to let him go, I want him again and once I start to feel all positive again, he starts to go in flux and I feel like it's not worth all this torture. But everytime I decide to cut him off, I feel so much pain and I can't completely do it.
And each day we are still talking about the house as though we are still going to be happily living there as a couple. I really truly wish that none of this happened because it should be the best time of my life. I feel really cheated of happiness that I had been looking forward to for so long. And I put in so much effort this past 5 years and tolerated so much and at this final stage, he's pulled the rug from under me. I just feel so frustrated that I have to go through this. I'm a good person, a great girlfriend, hard worker, well liked by friends. I should be having a wonderful life. I should have a great husband, 2 kids by now, and all the stability and harmony and love at home. Instead I find myself in a place where the one person that I've trusted with my future has betrayed me and continues to betray me. His feelings and desire are somewhere else and he's prepared to give me up for it. He's deceived me, lied repeatedly to my face and sneaked around behind my back while continuing our preparations for the house and marriage. In what sick universe does this have to happen????
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Denial
I asked him on whatsapp if he couldn't decide because he was still in love with her. He didn't reply.
I'm coming out of denial and the scenery ain't good. I'm slowly losing all hope and the positive feelings I had last week. How much torture does God want me to go through?
I think I'm going to get some sort of nervous breakdown soon if I don't sort this out. But, the more I try to force a decision, the further I get in his heart. And why should I have to grovel? Why do I have to be the one to give and give and give?
It should really be him wining and dining and sending me flowers and gifts to get me back. I feel so wretched I can't even work. This is utter hell and I don't know what I did to deserve all this.
How do I get to a better place? I think at times like these the silence of death sounds really appealing. And yet I know I can't and that bring me through fresh hell.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I'm coming out of denial and the scenery ain't good. I'm slowly losing all hope and the positive feelings I had last week. How much torture does God want me to go through?
I think I'm going to get some sort of nervous breakdown soon if I don't sort this out. But, the more I try to force a decision, the further I get in his heart. And why should I have to grovel? Why do I have to be the one to give and give and give?
It should really be him wining and dining and sending me flowers and gifts to get me back. I feel so wretched I can't even work. This is utter hell and I don't know what I did to deserve all this.
How do I get to a better place? I think at times like these the silence of death sounds really appealing. And yet I know I can't and that bring me through fresh hell.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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